Father's Day is a tough day for me. I see the profile pictures change to friends with their dads - old pictures, wedding day portraits, multiple generations. I also have friends who have suffered the loss of their fathers, and I see those tributes to men who did a wonderful job during their time on earth.
My father is gone for me.
But alive.
We lost each other along the way.
My parents did not have an easy marriage. There was a lot of yelling. My father is an alcoholic and an angry drunk. It wasn't a stable relationship; he moved in and out. I remember him saying that we were worthless kids.
One night, my mom (out of concern for our safety), loaded us into the car and we slept for a few hours in a parking lot.
Another time, she bought tickets for us to attend an event, "The Sound of Music" sing-along, but our car wouldn't start. My dad didn't want us to go, so he had taken a part out of the car so that we couldn't leave.
I'll never forget the size and shape of the hole he punched in the kitchen cabinet.
I'll never forget seeing him strapped to a hospital bed, jaundiced and ill, going through alcohol withdrawal.
I'm sure he cared for us, somewhere along the way. I'm not saying he never took care of us, but there are probably more bad memories than good for me. The last time I actually spoke to him, I was calling him to tell him I was pregnant with Aynsley.
That was three and a half years ago.
I've sent him Christmas cards, birth announcements, and birthday cards. We play phone tag every once in awhile but don't connect. He's never met his grandchildren. I'm not sure he knows how to pronounce their names.
I don't feel like it's a terribly big loss for me, as my mom has supported and cared for me every day. I've always had a home, clothes, and food. I've always felt encouraged and loved by someone.
Yet it still hurts to be left behind by blood. I try not to think about it too much because it leaves me feeling rejected. Unloved. Unworthy.
I could go into the statistics that show how involved fathers are more likely to help their kids grow into educated, well-adjusted adults. I could find studies that show how important fathers are when it comes to their daughters self-esteem and eventual romantic relationships.
I don't have to look that stuff up. I lived it.
By the grace of God, I survived a childhood marked for disaster. I was at risk for teen pregnancy, drug use, suicide, underage drinking.
I got involved with a lot of guys as my parents were divorcing. I wasn't without a boyfriend for long in high school. I did and said a lot of things that I'm not proud of today.
I hung out with a crowd that was into drinking and drugs. I remember hearing a story about one of my friends nearly overdosing in his basement while his parents were upstairs.
While I've done a lot that I'm not proud of, I've never had a drink. I've never tried drugs. Although I haven't been perfect, I made no choices that got me near a chance of pregnancy (before marriage).
That might make me sound square or lame and that's fine. I'm proud of all the things I've never done. With genetics marked by alcoholism, with a risk of unplanned pregnancy, with peer pressure from friends and family, I've proven to myself that I'm stronger than my circumstances.
I can overcome.
I've never been fatherless. I grew up with a mother who believed in God and wanted me to know that He existed. That simple foundation gave me something to live for, something to be better for, something to succeed for. When I was praying a prayer, asking God for forgiveness, turning from my sin and asking for His mercy, I had no idea that eternal life was a part of the deal. I was completely clueless when a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And it probably sounds silly to those who don't believe, but it would have sounded silly to me, too. Then I felt the change in my heart.
He has given me the strength to make the right decisions. He has given me purpose when I could have felt worthless. He has given me dreams when I could have been empty.
I won't let my circumstances hold me back.
I won't be held back from success in any area of my life.
I have a Father who has never left me alone, has accepted me and made me feel worthy.
I have a Father who has blessed me with a wonderful father-in-law, a fantastic man to be the father of my children, and plenty of wonderful father figures.
So it can be a happy Father's Day after all.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Almost Debt Free: How We Paid Off More Than $43,000 in the Last 18 Months
I've spent the last few days taking notes whenever I think about how we've managed to it - pay off more than $43,000 in the last 18 months. As you can imagine, it has not been easy. Now that the end is truly in sight (barring any unforeseen circumstances, we're 2 to 3 months away from paying off our student loan debt), I thought that I would share our journey.
Here are a few disclaimers. I know that everyone's story is different. For us, it has really just been student loans. We have a credit card but we've never carried a balance. We had an interest-free personal loan from a family member for a car. When we were both working full-time, we bought our house. We never deferred our loans (even when they were automatically deferred when I started grad school, we opted to continue paying them while we paid for grad school outright).
We also have great insurance, so we haven't had to spend much to have our kids or to keep them healthy. I know that sometimes people have to save for hospital bills after birth (or make payments afterwards), but that hasn't been something that we've needed to do. We have decent vision and dental, so we've always been able to pay for everything we've needed (and we've followed the suggested guidelines for our check-ups for both).
Matt also had a lot of opportunities for overtime last year. Gavriel was new and little and it was so hard to handle everything myself at home. It was incredibly difficult sometimes - days and days would go by and I had spent all day and all night with the kids, by myself. I knew it was all for a greater good but it was hard to deal with so much loneliness at the time.
I know that all of these circumstances are completely ours. I know that some of the things that we've done won't work for everyone. As of now, we have a lot. 2 children, 2 dogs. A beautiful home that has only increased in value since we've purchased it. 2 cars (both with more than 170,000 miles). I stay home (and have been able to earn some income by keeping a beautiful little girl, a best friend to Aynsley and Gavriel, on weekdays for about the last four years).
Now for how we accomplished this feat (maybe it's not a feat to some, but it definitely was to us!). Shortly after we got married, Matt made it clear that he didn't want to settle for making the minimum payment on our loans every month. He didn't want to have the weight of those tens of thousands of dollars over us forever. We know a lot of people who have the attitude of just paying the check every month and accepting it, and that's fine for others, but we wanted to be done early. Really, Matt wanted to be done early and I sighed and decided to stop buying so much clothing.
We don't know exactly how much student loan debt we started with - probably between $80,000 and $100,000. Don't get me started.
Anyway, we agreed on getting out of debt as fast as we could. I fought budgeting, though. If I hadn't done that, we'd be out of debt by now! We would sit for our budget meetings and I would get so frustrated by how many bills we had. We weren't doing anything extravagant, we weren't eating out much, we had basic cable! I was pretty tired of being an adult and I wasn't even very far into the whole thing. I wouldn't finish budget meetings; I'd storm off in disgust. How mature, I know.
We managed to keep paying off loans as I started grad school (I worked, full-time or part-time, for all of my time in school). This is where I started to pick up on my hustle. My grad school program was scheduled to be 6 semesters, and we were able to pay for the majority of that on a payment plan with the school. We did get a loan during the last two semesters, but I got the most for my money. I worked hard during my first summer semester and took double the load to avoid an additional semester - so I finished the 6-semester program in 5. Students were encouraged to keep a light load in the summer (since the fall and spring semesters were full and included practicums and the additional projects those required), but I powered through so that we wouldn't have to pay for that final (extra) semester.
After completing grad school, I was blessed to get a "job" working at home - watching a beautiful baby girl during weekdays. I also continued to work a part-time job in social work on Saturdays. I knew it wouldn't be long before we wanted to have kids, so I started to stick a little closer to the budget (I was starting to sit through the budget meetings for a little bit longer). After I became pregnant with Aynsley, I carefully chose how I wanted to spend our money. I took time to decide on what I wanted to buy new and what I was happy to have used.
Sacrifice and settling have been the name of the game since then. We live in a culture that tells us that we deserve whatever we want and we deserve it now. I have felt that about everything from a cup of coffee to clothing to a new car. Yet I DON'T deserve it, not unless I've earned it and worked for it. It was difficult for me to overcome this attitude (and I'm so grateful that it didn't cause me to put us into any further debt), but it has really made a difference. We've generally stuck with the Financial Peace/Dave Ramsey plan, cash in the envelopes and all.
We have DIY'ed everything that we possibly could. Seriously. We have paid one professional for anything in our home in the last several years, and only because we had no other option (our stairwell needed to be painted and - though I love to paint - we don't have the tools to reach high enough on the walls). When our air conditioner broke, we called a friend who worked in heating and cooling and he took care of it in a few minutes at no cost (I sent a gift card; don't worry). Matt has fixed our laptop, washer, dryer, disposal, cars, and a ton of other things. I cut everyone's hair in our kitchen and/or bathtub (I'm the only one who gets a professional haircut, and it is pretty much the only money that I spend on myself). Our dogs get yearly check-ups and shots, but we otherwise care for them at home. So that means that we groom them ourselves and it's not perfect, but my motto is "better than a shelter." (I mentioned that Matt has fixed the washer and dryer, but I feel I should clarify and give credit where it's due. I don't remember what broke first - maybe the dryer and then the washer and then the dryer again and then the washer again? Anyway, Matt ultimately fixed the dryer - sort of - and we got a new washer. I still have to reset the thermostat on our dryer pretty frequently because the dryer stops heating. This involves screwdrivers and a little tool, maybe it's called an altimeter? I feel pretty smart and handy whenever I get it working again. After our washer died, a friend found a cheap washer on the curb in her neighborhood and snatched it up for us. It needed some cheap repairs, which Matt managed - with YouTube's help. During the time of the Laundry Crisis of 2014, I did laundry at the homes of three different friends. People - thank you. Thank you for letting me bring smelly clothes - and diapers - into your home. Can you guess what I want to replace right after we get out of debt?!)
We are so CHEAP. I know that a lot of people subscribe to money-saving blogs, and that's one thing that I do, too. I stretch ingredients for recipes. We buy everything that we can at Aldi. We use cloth diapers. I coupon (but only when I see things that I know I'll be buying). We check retailmenot.com before every single online purchase. When our car was totaled and we got the insurance check, we bought a cheaper car and paid off a loan. Matt called and complained when the promotional price for our internet service ended so that we pay less now. I make the very most of resales, clearance, hand-me-downs, and buying/selling sites on Facebook. If I buy something brand-new for my kids, it's because I couldn't find it somewhere else used or on clearance. We have a digital antenna and no cable. We use two somewhat unknown phone services - Ooma and Ting (we don't feel obligated to pay for the big names in phone service). We've never had a problem with either and we are paying less than $4 per month for our home phone service and less than $45 per month for our two cell phones. We research, research, research before we spend money (even the one time I actually spent money on an app). Matt eats leftovers at work and I make the most out of every ingredient in our fridge and pantry.
We have to REFRAIN. I haven't bought Christmas or birthday gifts for friends, nieces, or nephews for years (I hate this. I hate this so much). I mentioned that I'll cut coupons, but I don't spend money on things just because they're on sale. I don't go out of my way to get a good deal on something that will sit on a shelf for a long time - our budget is just too tight. We haven't bought much for ourselves in the last several years, especially clothing and shoes. Most of my clothing and shoes are from college or the first year or two of our marriage - I can't afford to be trendy (or even new). Matt has been wearing the same pair of sneakers for more than six years (and he only has three pairs of non-work shoes). We use things until there is no use left. I sew, we repair, we reuse. To a ridiculous extent. Our budgets are pretty limited. Here's some of what we can adjust and work with each month.
- Entertainment - $10 (So that's our Netflix account, and maybe a Redbox. If we want to go to a movie or something, that will have to come out of personal cash.)
- Personal cash - $25 each (So that's eating out, clothing, etc.)
- Food - $350 for four people (This may seem like a lot to some people - and not much to others - for our whole family. This includes everything we'll be eating for the month. If we plan on eating out as a family, it comes out of here. Every breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack comes out of this amount.)
- Shopping - $150 (This includes everything else we'd buy. This amount has to include diapers, wipes, dog food, clothes, shoes, toiletries, cleaning supplies, and everything else. Sometimes things have to wait because this budget is not huge. Mascara was on my shopping list for almost a year - seriously.)
I share our experience in the hopes that someone will find hope in what we've been able to do in the last few years. We spent so long feeling so trapped by our past decisions and we can't wait to feel freedom from this debt. We have some very practical things planned (and some fun stuff, too!). I hope this has inspired someone today!
Here are a few disclaimers. I know that everyone's story is different. For us, it has really just been student loans. We have a credit card but we've never carried a balance. We had an interest-free personal loan from a family member for a car. When we were both working full-time, we bought our house. We never deferred our loans (even when they were automatically deferred when I started grad school, we opted to continue paying them while we paid for grad school outright).
We also have great insurance, so we haven't had to spend much to have our kids or to keep them healthy. I know that sometimes people have to save for hospital bills after birth (or make payments afterwards), but that hasn't been something that we've needed to do. We have decent vision and dental, so we've always been able to pay for everything we've needed (and we've followed the suggested guidelines for our check-ups for both).
Matt also had a lot of opportunities for overtime last year. Gavriel was new and little and it was so hard to handle everything myself at home. It was incredibly difficult sometimes - days and days would go by and I had spent all day and all night with the kids, by myself. I knew it was all for a greater good but it was hard to deal with so much loneliness at the time.
I know that all of these circumstances are completely ours. I know that some of the things that we've done won't work for everyone. As of now, we have a lot. 2 children, 2 dogs. A beautiful home that has only increased in value since we've purchased it. 2 cars (both with more than 170,000 miles). I stay home (and have been able to earn some income by keeping a beautiful little girl, a best friend to Aynsley and Gavriel, on weekdays for about the last four years).
Now for how we accomplished this feat (maybe it's not a feat to some, but it definitely was to us!). Shortly after we got married, Matt made it clear that he didn't want to settle for making the minimum payment on our loans every month. He didn't want to have the weight of those tens of thousands of dollars over us forever. We know a lot of people who have the attitude of just paying the check every month and accepting it, and that's fine for others, but we wanted to be done early. Really, Matt wanted to be done early and I sighed and decided to stop buying so much clothing.
We don't know exactly how much student loan debt we started with - probably between $80,000 and $100,000. Don't get me started.
Anyway, we agreed on getting out of debt as fast as we could. I fought budgeting, though. If I hadn't done that, we'd be out of debt by now! We would sit for our budget meetings and I would get so frustrated by how many bills we had. We weren't doing anything extravagant, we weren't eating out much, we had basic cable! I was pretty tired of being an adult and I wasn't even very far into the whole thing. I wouldn't finish budget meetings; I'd storm off in disgust. How mature, I know.
We managed to keep paying off loans as I started grad school (I worked, full-time or part-time, for all of my time in school). This is where I started to pick up on my hustle. My grad school program was scheduled to be 6 semesters, and we were able to pay for the majority of that on a payment plan with the school. We did get a loan during the last two semesters, but I got the most for my money. I worked hard during my first summer semester and took double the load to avoid an additional semester - so I finished the 6-semester program in 5. Students were encouraged to keep a light load in the summer (since the fall and spring semesters were full and included practicums and the additional projects those required), but I powered through so that we wouldn't have to pay for that final (extra) semester.
After completing grad school, I was blessed to get a "job" working at home - watching a beautiful baby girl during weekdays. I also continued to work a part-time job in social work on Saturdays. I knew it wouldn't be long before we wanted to have kids, so I started to stick a little closer to the budget (I was starting to sit through the budget meetings for a little bit longer). After I became pregnant with Aynsley, I carefully chose how I wanted to spend our money. I took time to decide on what I wanted to buy new and what I was happy to have used.
Sacrifice and settling have been the name of the game since then. We live in a culture that tells us that we deserve whatever we want and we deserve it now. I have felt that about everything from a cup of coffee to clothing to a new car. Yet I DON'T deserve it, not unless I've earned it and worked for it. It was difficult for me to overcome this attitude (and I'm so grateful that it didn't cause me to put us into any further debt), but it has really made a difference. We've generally stuck with the Financial Peace/Dave Ramsey plan, cash in the envelopes and all.
We have DIY'ed everything that we possibly could. Seriously. We have paid one professional for anything in our home in the last several years, and only because we had no other option (our stairwell needed to be painted and - though I love to paint - we don't have the tools to reach high enough on the walls). When our air conditioner broke, we called a friend who worked in heating and cooling and he took care of it in a few minutes at no cost (I sent a gift card; don't worry). Matt has fixed our laptop, washer, dryer, disposal, cars, and a ton of other things. I cut everyone's hair in our kitchen and/or bathtub (I'm the only one who gets a professional haircut, and it is pretty much the only money that I spend on myself). Our dogs get yearly check-ups and shots, but we otherwise care for them at home. So that means that we groom them ourselves and it's not perfect, but my motto is "better than a shelter." (I mentioned that Matt has fixed the washer and dryer, but I feel I should clarify and give credit where it's due. I don't remember what broke first - maybe the dryer and then the washer and then the dryer again and then the washer again? Anyway, Matt ultimately fixed the dryer - sort of - and we got a new washer. I still have to reset the thermostat on our dryer pretty frequently because the dryer stops heating. This involves screwdrivers and a little tool, maybe it's called an altimeter? I feel pretty smart and handy whenever I get it working again. After our washer died, a friend found a cheap washer on the curb in her neighborhood and snatched it up for us. It needed some cheap repairs, which Matt managed - with YouTube's help. During the time of the Laundry Crisis of 2014, I did laundry at the homes of three different friends. People - thank you. Thank you for letting me bring smelly clothes - and diapers - into your home. Can you guess what I want to replace right after we get out of debt?!)
We are so CHEAP. I know that a lot of people subscribe to money-saving blogs, and that's one thing that I do, too. I stretch ingredients for recipes. We buy everything that we can at Aldi. We use cloth diapers. I coupon (but only when I see things that I know I'll be buying). We check retailmenot.com before every single online purchase. When our car was totaled and we got the insurance check, we bought a cheaper car and paid off a loan. Matt called and complained when the promotional price for our internet service ended so that we pay less now. I make the very most of resales, clearance, hand-me-downs, and buying/selling sites on Facebook. If I buy something brand-new for my kids, it's because I couldn't find it somewhere else used or on clearance. We have a digital antenna and no cable. We use two somewhat unknown phone services - Ooma and Ting (we don't feel obligated to pay for the big names in phone service). We've never had a problem with either and we are paying less than $4 per month for our home phone service and less than $45 per month for our two cell phones. We research, research, research before we spend money (even the one time I actually spent money on an app). Matt eats leftovers at work and I make the most out of every ingredient in our fridge and pantry.
We have to REFRAIN. I haven't bought Christmas or birthday gifts for friends, nieces, or nephews for years (I hate this. I hate this so much). I mentioned that I'll cut coupons, but I don't spend money on things just because they're on sale. I don't go out of my way to get a good deal on something that will sit on a shelf for a long time - our budget is just too tight. We haven't bought much for ourselves in the last several years, especially clothing and shoes. Most of my clothing and shoes are from college or the first year or two of our marriage - I can't afford to be trendy (or even new). Matt has been wearing the same pair of sneakers for more than six years (and he only has three pairs of non-work shoes). We use things until there is no use left. I sew, we repair, we reuse. To a ridiculous extent. Our budgets are pretty limited. Here's some of what we can adjust and work with each month.
- Entertainment - $10 (So that's our Netflix account, and maybe a Redbox. If we want to go to a movie or something, that will have to come out of personal cash.)
- Personal cash - $25 each (So that's eating out, clothing, etc.)
- Food - $350 for four people (This may seem like a lot to some people - and not much to others - for our whole family. This includes everything we'll be eating for the month. If we plan on eating out as a family, it comes out of here. Every breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack comes out of this amount.)
- Shopping - $150 (This includes everything else we'd buy. This amount has to include diapers, wipes, dog food, clothes, shoes, toiletries, cleaning supplies, and everything else. Sometimes things have to wait because this budget is not huge. Mascara was on my shopping list for almost a year - seriously.)
I share our experience in the hopes that someone will find hope in what we've been able to do in the last few years. We spent so long feeling so trapped by our past decisions and we can't wait to feel freedom from this debt. We have some very practical things planned (and some fun stuff, too!). I hope this has inspired someone today!
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