Father's Day is a tough day for me. I see the profile pictures change to friends with their dads - old pictures, wedding day portraits, multiple generations. I also have friends who have suffered the loss of their fathers, and I see those tributes to men who did a wonderful job during their time on earth.
My father is gone for me.
But alive.
We lost each other along the way.
My parents did not have an easy marriage. There was a lot of yelling. My father is an alcoholic and an angry drunk. It wasn't a stable relationship; he moved in and out. I remember him saying that we were worthless kids.
One night, my mom (out of concern for our safety), loaded us into the car and we slept for a few hours in a parking lot.
Another time, she bought tickets for us to attend an event, "The Sound of Music" sing-along, but our car wouldn't start. My dad didn't want us to go, so he had taken a part out of the car so that we couldn't leave.
I'll never forget the size and shape of the hole he punched in the kitchen cabinet.
I'll never forget seeing him strapped to a hospital bed, jaundiced and ill, going through alcohol withdrawal.
I'm sure he cared for us, somewhere along the way. I'm not saying he never took care of us, but there are probably more bad memories than good for me. The last time I actually spoke to him, I was calling him to tell him I was pregnant with Aynsley.
That was three and a half years ago.
I've sent him Christmas cards, birth announcements, and birthday cards. We play phone tag every once in awhile but don't connect. He's never met his grandchildren. I'm not sure he knows how to pronounce their names.
I don't feel like it's a terribly big loss for me, as my mom has supported and cared for me every day. I've always had a home, clothes, and food. I've always felt encouraged and loved by someone.
Yet it still hurts to be left behind by blood. I try not to think about it too much because it leaves me feeling rejected. Unloved. Unworthy.
I could go into the statistics that show how involved fathers are more likely to help their kids grow into educated, well-adjusted adults. I could find studies that show how important fathers are when it comes to their daughters self-esteem and eventual romantic relationships.
I don't have to look that stuff up. I lived it.
By the grace of God, I survived a childhood marked for disaster. I was at risk for teen pregnancy, drug use, suicide, underage drinking.
I got involved with a lot of guys as my parents were divorcing. I wasn't without a boyfriend for long in high school. I did and said a lot of things that I'm not proud of today.
I hung out with a crowd that was into drinking and drugs. I remember hearing a story about one of my friends nearly overdosing in his basement while his parents were upstairs.
While I've done a lot that I'm not proud of, I've never had a drink. I've never tried drugs. Although I haven't been perfect, I made no choices that got me near a chance of pregnancy (before marriage).
That might make me sound square or lame and that's fine. I'm proud of all the things I've never done. With genetics marked by alcoholism, with a risk of unplanned pregnancy, with peer pressure from friends and family, I've proven to myself that I'm stronger than my circumstances.
I can overcome.
I've never been fatherless. I grew up with a mother who believed in God and wanted me to know that He existed. That simple foundation gave me something to live for, something to be better for, something to succeed for. When I was praying a prayer, asking God for forgiveness, turning from my sin and asking for His mercy, I had no idea that eternal life was a part of the deal. I was completely clueless when a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And it probably sounds silly to those who don't believe, but it would have sounded silly to me, too. Then I felt the change in my heart.
He has given me the strength to make the right decisions. He has given me purpose when I could have felt worthless. He has given me dreams when I could have been empty.
I won't let my circumstances hold me back.
I won't be held back from success in any area of my life.
I have a Father who has never left me alone, has accepted me and made me feel worthy.
I have a Father who has blessed me with a wonderful father-in-law, a fantastic man to be the father of my children, and plenty of wonderful father figures.
So it can be a happy Father's Day after all.
