Superhero Room for Two

It has been a very long time since I've posted! Life has been very busy with three little ones and a lot has happened in 2017. We had some very serious family situations with extended family members, our police department lost a wonderful officer (who was also a husband and father to two small children), and our church is continuing to undergo many changes. We also enjoyed a beach trip, Matt was promoted to sergeant, and Aynsley started kindergarten! The last six months have been very emotional, mostly for negative reasons. I have been able to enjoy several fun projects around the house, though, so it thrills me to be able to share this superhero room for two!

There were a lot of thoughts and considerations when it came to putting two kids together. We have three bedrooms in our home, and we knew we'd put kids' bedrooms together eventually (we never had any problem with that). The dynamics, the personalities...There's the tough part. All three of the kids are fairly good sleepers, with Aynsley being the one who will sleep through just about anything. Originally, we were going to put the girls together. Occasionally, though, I was still getting up with Eliana and I didn't want that to impact Aynsley's sleep as she started school. Also, Eliana will typically sleep later than her siblings and I didn't want to take the chance that she'd wake up when I would wake Aynsley for school. So I ultimately decided that Eliana would be moved into the room we use for guests and the big kids would share a room.

So we ended up switching what has typically been the nursery (all three kids have slept in the crib in this room as infants) and the big kid room. While I was planning to move furniture and touch up paint, Matt and I decided that I would take the time to repaint, as we intend to put our house on the market at some point in the next few years. I decided on a light gray that I love. We also purchased new beds and bedding for Aynsley and Gavriel. I ordered beds from Walmart (they can be twin beds or can be stackable to make bunk beds) and bedding from Target. Eliana didn't need anything new, but I'm loving how her room is coming together. More on that later!

I, for some reason, love having decorations on the kids' doors. At the girls' rainbow birthday party in May, the kids all made this little craft. I may eventually replace it with something else, but it looks great right now!

Here is what you see when you first open the door to Aynsley and Gavriel's room. I love the brightness!

We initially opted for a bright superhero room for a couple of reasons. Aynsley has been mildly obsessed with rainbows for a couple of months now and I love bright colors. We ALL love superheroes and we have plenty of toys (and clothes!) to prove it. For Aynsley's superhero birthday party in 2015, I made four of the buildings that you see as a photo booth backdrop. I couldn't bear to get rid of them after the party, so I put them in the nursery closet. I already had red, yellow, green, and blue; I purchased black posterboard and used colored cardstock that I had on hand to create an orange building and a purple building to finish off the rainbow. The kids each chose three building colors for the wall next to their beds.

Sidenote: This room is rarely used for anything but sleep, so the curtain is nearly always closed. I tried to allow more light in for these photos, so I just tucked the curtain behind Gavriel's bedpost.

The tassel banners were leftover from the girls' birthday party (they took forever to make, but they look so good!), and I cut tags and letters on my Cricut to personalize two for the kids. My mom and I found the amazing signs at Kirkland's - they were just what I was looking for to hold a few pieces of artwork. You can see that Aynsley likes to draw and color a little more than Gavriel does!

I cut the superheroes with the Cricut and put them together over a few days. There were a LOT of small pieces with these, but they turned out great. The kids chose which ones they wanted by their buildings, and I even made a little string "web" for Spider-Man. I found some of the images from a fantastic blog (KraftyNook) and I purchased some from Cricut.

I mentioned that the bedding was from Target; the quilts are reversible (just two different shades of blue and red). We chose superhero sheets - Captain America and Wonder Woman. The kids chose fabric from Joann and I made them each a pillowcase for a square pillow (but I definitely saw rainbow Wonder Woman material after I had finished this project, so I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about making a new pillowcase for Aynsley). 

The curtain is very busy, but it was the best option at Joann. I loved the brightness and the variety of superheroes on it. I may eventually make something different, but I'm happy with it for now!

This is right next to the door. The Cricut cut the file in the frame (Even superheroes need sleep) and I used a small star punch for the stars. I had the hooks from a past project and the capes are frequently used around here. 

One of my favorite things about this room is the dress-up area in the huge closet.

This closet is big, so big. I am still working on finding better storage for the things that were in it before we moved the kids in (this was the closet of all-the-baby-things-and-all-the-past-and-future-clothes), but I got everything out for this project so the kids have plenty of space to play in there now (and it will stay that way!). This rack is low enough that the girls can typically grab things, and there's a stool in case it's needed. This is a favorite area in our house!

So there you have it! It was a very fun project. Now I'm working on Eliana's room and you can see that I can't give up on the tassel banner, despite how long it takes to make each tassel...

There's a little sneak peek of that room. More to come later!

2016 Reading List Accomplished!

I wrote about my 2016 Reading List progress here and, now that 2016 is over, I can finally share that I accomplished my goal! I finished the last book of the challenge on New Year's Eve, so I was working on it up until the very end.

A book published this year - My niece got me addicted to Cassandra Clare, so I opted for her latest book, Lady Midnight. I enjoyed it, though not as much as I've enjoyed her other books.

A book that you can finish in a day - I opted for one of the books I thought I might read, Stuart Little. It was fun to read a children's book for this one (and somewhat necessary).

A book you've been meaning to read - I had written down Deep and Wide due to several pastors recommending it and the changes our church has been going through over the last year. When our church did a summer reading program to help with our focus on outreach, this was the second book on the list. I really loved it!

A book recommended by your local librarian or bookseller - I had already read the book at the time of my progress report, so I read Frog: A Novel by Mo Yan for this part of the challenge. It was incredibly moving and kept me interested. It was a WORLD Magazine recommendation and I've found that all of their recommendations that I've taken have been wonderful!

A book you should have read in school - I picked up The Scarlet Letter (and the corresponding book of Cliffs Notes). I enjoyed this one well enough, but it wasn't my favorite. I am glad to have crossed it off the list; I've owned it for years!

A book chosen for you by your spouse, partner, sibling, child, or BFF - There's kind of a long story on this one. I opted to read Poe around Halloween, who is one of Matt's favorite writers. We own two Poe books (both contain selections from Poe's work). I wanted to read the Complete Stories and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe, but the book was not holding my interest after his mystery and horror stories. My sister-in-law (a lit major and fellow book-lover) said I didn't have to finish the book, so I didn't. I DID look through the two Poe books we had, wrote down the stories I hadn't read, and finished the stories and also the poems. So I found out that I love Poe's mystery and horror stories (and I don't mind his poems too much), but everything else is kind of terrible (in my opinion).

A book published before you were born - A friend from Bible study mentioned Elisabeth Elliot's Discipline: The Glad Surrender and so I requested it from the library. It was absolutely full of greatness and did not disappoint.

A book that was banned at some point - I was thinking The Catcher in the Rye for this one, and I read it quickly. I don't think I hated it quite as much as I did in school.

A book you previously abandoned - I addressed this one on my progress post and I'd read it again - I really enjoyed it eventually. The book was Bloodroot.

A book you own but have never read - The Problem of Pain is a work of C.S. Lewis. Most everything I have read of his is fantastic, and this one involved a lot of my attention. It's not a big book, and I'd recommend it, but it's not an easy read.

A book that intimidates you - The Hunchback of Notre Dame was my pick for a book I own but have never read, but once I got into it, I realized it fit this category a bit better (these two categories are interchangeable, as I owned both books but hadn't read them and also felt intimidated by both of them). I had hoped to, but I did not finish it in French. I didn't love it in English, but I did finish it. Wow, it's different from the Disney movie. I know a lot of stories don't match up to their Disney films, but this one was really out there.

A book that you've already read at least once - This was kind of a cop-out. I reread Husband-Coached Childbirth in anticipation of Ellie's birth, so it fit the bill. I'll probably read it again before baby #4!

In addition to these books, I read six or so other books in 2016 that didn't fit into any of these categories.

Now onto the 2017 challenge! I find myself excited to make myself some new lists. Here is the challenge for this year - it's actually two challenges! I am planning to do both lists with a little flexibility. I'm thinking that there will be some books that will cover categories in each list, like I may read Anna Karenina (as a book I've already read AND a book that has more than 600 pages). I'm looking forward to a lot of reading (as usual!) in 2017!

Eliana's Birth Story

Eliana Katherine McDaniel has officially arrived! I know how excited I get to hear people's birth stories, so I thought I would share for those who are interested.

You might recall that Matt and I invested in Bradley classes and that they were very successful in labor for Aynsley and labor and delivery for Gavriel.

The night of Wednesday, June 1st and into Thursday, June 2nd was a fairly sleepless one for me. I had been having mild contractions about hourly - just enough to wake me up and then I'd fall back asleep. Gavriel had also fussed fairly loudly in the middle of the night (rare for him, and even more rare for Aynsley to get up - which she did!). So I settled the kids and got back in bed, but I was awake several more times before my alarm went off. Even at the end of pregnancy, I tend to sleep very well, so this was unusual.

I had plenty of contractions on Thursday, but none of them kept me from being up and about (for the most part). The four kids and I spent the day together, and I got some cleaning done. I had planned to mop the floor, but I kept putting it off until little hands were done getting crumbs all over the floor for the day. I had also intended to give the kitchen one last quick cleaning - counter scrub, cleaning the fronts of the appliances, cleaning the sticky table and chairs, etc. When Matt got home from work, I was sitting at the kitchen table between cleaning tasks. I'd get one task done and sit down for a few minutes, then repeat with another task. Dinner was warm on the stove, and I was also getting things together so that we could go to Aldi for a quick grocery shopping trip. We ate dinner and we were off.

On the way to Aldi, I had a couple of contractions that were a little more intense, but still nothing that was difficult to talk through at all. I was telling myself that once we were home, with groceries put away and kids in bed (and after I'd mopped!), the contractions would stop.

I rushed through my Aldi list, feeling a little unsettled because I just wanted to get home. My mom called as we were bagging our items, and I spoke to her for a few minutes. I told her that I had an appointment scheduled with my midwife for Friday morning, and that I was pretty sure that I was going to get checked (for the first time, for any pregnancy, in the office!). My mom and I were both hoping I'd make it to the weekend, though.

We got home and started putting the groceries away. I had to sit down again between tasks, and I told Matt that there was a lot going on (which he knew and he had already guessed we'd be at the hospital that night). As I sat at the kitchen table with bags of groceries still to be put away, with two kids still awake, with that kitchen floor unmopped, I started crying. Matt reassured me, and he continued to do that (and sent the kids to give me hugs and tell me they loved me after they'd brushed their teeth with him, while I was packing my bag a little bit later).

Matt and I (mostly Matt) got everything put away and we went upstairs to put the kids to bed. While we were upstairs, I packed the last few things in my hospital bag and set it (along with the ready-to-go diaper bag) at the top of the stairs. Matt asked about laboring at home for a bit, and I told him that I just didn't want to come all the way back up the stairs for the bags so I was getting them now. Matt was timing my contractions by this point, but they were still feeling pretty mild. I was in the middle of reading Aynsley a story when I had one, so I told Matt that one was starting, continued reading the story, and then let him know when the contraction was done.

As I gave Aynsley a kiss and sang to Gavriel, I definitely had tears in my eyes. I was feeling scared, nervous, anxious, excited.

Once I got downstairs, I tried to keep doing things so that I could be done with my list and relax. It wasn't long after this that Matt called a close friend to come and stay with the kids until my mother-in-law could be at the house (I guess he could tell that there wasn't going to be much more labor to take place at home). I called the answering service for my midwives and was told someone would call me back. The midwife on call, Nicole, was already at the hospital for another delivery. She sounded so excited on the phone, I couldn't help but calm down (partly relieved because she was so excited and partly relieved because she was already there if it ended up being false labor). Our friend arrived and I was trying to load the dishwasher so that I could set it before we left. Matt kept trying to stop me from doing things that weren't a priority, but he wasn't ready to go and I couldn't just sit there! I was still able to walk and talk through my contractions, but I was moving a little more slowly during them.

We left for the hospital at about 9:30. At this point, I think my contractions were 2-6 minutes apart (usually about 4 minutes) and about 30 seconds long. I was still in a pretty good mood at this point.

We always get to the hospital after hours - the main doors are closed and we have to enter through the emergency room. I gave a smile to the receptionist and she pointed me to registration. I told the staff member that we were there to have a baby and she asked if I was being induced. "No, I'm in labor...Do people really get induced in the middle of the night?" Registration didn't take very long, and soon someone had arrived with a wheelchair for me.

When I was taken back, they gave me a gown and asked a few questions - had I had any bleeding, had my water broken, etc. (the answer was negative on both). I changed into the gown and waited for someone to come check me. The nurse came and set up the fetal monitor on my belly. Soon after, my midwife, Nicole, came in and checked me. She told me I was at 7 with a bulging bag of water and asked if I wanted to get into the tub. My thoughts...7?! I've never gotten here at less than a nine and been told not to push. If I was at 7, how long was this going to take?! I had heard the tub helped greatly during contractions, so I confirmed I'd love a room with a tub. A new nurse came in and asked some questions. She mentioned that she was about to check me, and I told her that Nicole had just done so (they had just missed each other as they switched between laboring mothers). I told her that Nicole had said I was at 7 with a bulging bag of water and the nurse said, "Well, I must say, you are remarkably well-composed for being at 7 with a bulging bag of water." It was strange to feel so good at this point, and I was trying not to be disheartened by not being ready to push yet.

I was put in my labor and delivery room and the nurse started to run the water for the tub. She let me know that she'd have to put an IV port in and she started to get things together. I had an intense contraction on the bed and then my water broke (which I announced). "I feel like I should push," I told (probably shouted to) the nurse. She checked me and confirmed what I had thought. There was a ton of activity as more nurses came in and I overheard one nurse saying, "Get Nicole!"

Thank goodness for my husband and for the amazing labor and delivery staff. The next few minutes weren't easy, but the encouragement I received was a huge help. 12 minutes after my water broke, at 10:56, Eliana Katherine was born.

She was 7 pounds and 4 ounces (my heaviest baby so far) and 21.5 inches long - tied with Aynsley for length (Gavriel was shorter). Since then, she's been nursing like a champ. Sometimes I think she looks like Aynsley, sometimes Gavriel, and sometimes just herself. Her brother and sister adore her and I'm truly so happy to have this little bundle of joy in our family.

Her name is pronounced El-ee-ah-na and Eliana means "my God has answered me." This is a name I've loved but, after finding out the meaning, it meant even more to me. God has truly answered my prayers with the addition of this precious baby girl to our family. Her middle name, Katherine, is meant to honor Matt's grandmother, who died in March of 2013, just a few months before Aynsley turned one. It's so special to me that both of our girls carry on the names of our grandmothers.

So there you have it. Every labor and delivery has been shorter and easier and I'm almost scared that I'll need to get a hotel room near the hospital during those last few weeks of pregnancy next time! Thank you for your prayers and congratulations. We are so blessed!

June 4th - My (Double) Roller Coaster of Emotion Over Two Pink Lines

I'm due on June 4th, one month from today! I'm still working on a somewhat sizeable to do list, but I'm getting things done and getting excited to meet my little girl.

It didn't occur to me until a few months ago, but being due on June 4th is significant. I had planned on writing a post about it at some point, but I was cleaning out a notebook and found these words I jotted down quickly nearly a year ago (it would have been June 2nd or 3rd of 2015).

"My daughter turned three last week. My son will be 16 months old soon. Earlier this week, I took a pregnancy test and found out baby #3 is to be expected early next year. This wasn't entirely shocking, as my husband and I were planning for this one and I'd had an inkling it was time to take a test.

Yet I find myself feeling unprepared - three kids? I'm not ready. I don't have it all together yet. I still lean on timeouts and deal with tantrums. I still find myself overwhelmed by making dinner some nights. I have a million chances...I thought I would have it together by now.

We want five kids. Most of our friends have one or two kids, but we have some friends with four or five kids. We've always wanted a big family, but I get such mixed reactions when I say that.

As I have more kids, though, I'm finding that I'm worrying more, not less. What if she actually has leukemia and I have no idea? What if he gets into a horrible accident when he's a teenager? I don't lose any sleep over these things, but I'd be lying if I said the worst-case scenario didn't cross my mind occasionally.

It's daring, I think. Bold. Brave. To risk something heartbreaking, to risk a devastating loss. To step into a place of uncertainty, of instability, of the unknown.

Yet the rewards are so beautiful. The smiles, the giggles, hearing "mama" and seeing chubby little hands reaching for me. Having magic kisses that heal little hurts. Watching kids hug, share, love. Hearing the unprovoked "I love you, Mommy."

I may feel like I mess it up a million times a day, but I'm doing better than I think (I think). I need to do the best that I can today and every day."

We had just gotten back from Mexico on a Sunday night (I had been expecting my period on the last day of our trip, Saturday) and I bought a test on Monday night. I was giddy about the positive result. I had two full, blissful days before I started bleeding on the morning of June 4th. I know it was early, but for me it was still that devastating loss. It doesn't compare to what some of my close friends have been through, but it was one of the most heartbreaking things I've been through in my nearly 30 years.

I spent months trying to control every detail of life - months keeping everything in my own hands. I worked so hard to make things happen and nothing did.

When I finally gave up, I realized I really couldn't make anything happen. I couldn't. There were plenty of things in my life that I could do and control and say, but I couldn't make it happen. I just couldn't.

When I got tired of trying to control it, I gave it to God. I acknowledged that it wasn't in my power and I just let go.

Of course, that's when we found out about baby #3.

I can't believe I didn't make the June 4th connection right away, but I didn't (or if I did, I definitely forgot about it). Now I'm preparing to welcome another little bundle of joy into our family and our home and I feel so blessed. God hadn't forgotten about me, but I was sure He had. God had heard my prayers and knew every thought and desire and heartache that I'd ever experienced but I was sure He had no idea.

I still learn so much from these words I wrote before I knew what would happen. I still don't have it all together, but I find myself enjoying the ebbs and flows of parenthood and finding new ways to enjoy the crazy or silly. After all, for so long, I was so afraid I'd never again feel a little person moving around inside me, never again have the joy of sharing the news of a sibling, never again get to hold my own little newborn baby.

So when I felt funny one evening in September 2015 and noticed I was leaning on the jogging stroller during my run a little more than usual, I was anxious but apprehensive about taking a pregnancy test. I ended up taking it in the Meijer family restroom about two seconds after I bought it. The flush on the toilet scared the kids and they both screamed and I shoved the test back in the box before the two minutes was up. We headed back out to the car, where I got them buckled in and settled into the driver's seat. I took a deep breath and then took a look. My heart probably stopped, but I'm sure I couldn't wipe the grin off my face for the rest of the night. Despite being scared and worried, I was so full of hope.

I have this hope for the many friends I know who have been through similar loss. I hope they aren't afraid to risk it, despite the heartbreak that can certainly occur. I know my loss was early, but it just gave me a small glimpse into what many of my friends have experienced. My heart aches, that ache that you can't even put into words, for that type of sadness.

A friend (who has been through her share of loss and heartbreak and fear and has remained one of the strongest and most faithful and most hopeful people I know) shared this quote with me and it speaks to me for every friend who has felt this kind of grief. That baby is real.

Another friend who went through a miscarriage told of how some were dismissive - something must have been wrong, maybe her body wasn't ready, etc. I'll never forget what she said, because I know that feeling: "But I already loved it."

The grief doesn't go away because of the logical things that may have been wrong. The love is there from the start, despite any of the other emotions.

All that to say that this baby is even more of a blessing because of the pain that I went through last summer. I felt abandoned and alone even though God hadn't left my side - I had simply convinced myself that He had left because I wasn't getting what I wanted when I wanted it. I have appreciated and enjoyed every kick and nudge because I was terrified I would never experience it again. I have carefully folded and gushed over all of the little bitty clothes because I was afraid it would make more sense to sell all of the baby stuff. I have thanked God repeatedly for answering my prayers, the ones spoken so desperately in the midst of my heartbreak.

He delivers. For always.

A Random Week in Review

One of my favorite bloggers does a random posts of things that have been happening in her house lately - favorite toys of the kids, how the family schedule has been, favorite recipes. This was a week of Pinterest help in our home! I thought I'd share a few things.

I pulled out Pretty Pretty Princess this week (it had been in Aynsley's closet for years) and the kids had a blast with it. Carter didn't get to play, but the girls (and even Gavriel) had a blast! Does anyone remember having this game as a kid? It was my favorite at one point!

Thanks to this incredibly helpful tutorial, I was able to replace the elastic in three of our cloth diapers this week. Aside from getting the elastic, I had the other tools needed to make it happen. Thanks to this tutorial and my parents for buying me a sewing machine in high school (and for my Intro to Fashion teacher, who taught me most everything I know about sewing).

I've been spending some time with this book, but I think I've only found three names. I'm working with some limitations here, though! Matt and I have talked about looking for a name that starts in second half of the alphabet (since Aynsley, Gavriel, and Laurryn all start with letters in the first half of the alphabet) and a name that has seven letters in it (it turns out that, not by our planning, all four of our names have seven letters). I also like that we each have our own letter, so I'm looking for a seven-letter name (that I love) that starts with N-Z. Ah.

This little bundle of energy takes great naps, but he was up a little early one day this week. He got some snuggles and we took some pictures together before we got the other kids up for the afternoon. He is at such a fun age and we have been loving hearing him talk and talk and talk!

We tried some new slow cooker recipes this week. The slow cooker is one of my very favorite kitchen appliances, and I have definitely been putting it to work lately! I love putting the ingredients in it in the morning and eating whenever we are ready.

We tried out this Slow Cooker Creamy Chicken Noodle Soup one night. Matt isn't a big mushroom fan, so I left those out and added carrots and celery instead. The kids didn't mind it, but Matt and I definitely enjoyed it. I'm planning to make it again this week!

I also made this Crock Pot Cream Cheese Chicken Chile when we had friends over this week. It's a variation of another recipe I frequently make, but the other recipe calls for sour cream, which I don't usually have, and this one calls for cream cheese, which I do usually have. It also called for a Ranch seasoning packet, but I've taken those powdered mixes off my shopping list in recent months (opting for making my own at times). This was a pretty tasty dish with pasta and soda bread. Everyone seemed to enjoy it; I know I did!

Finally, I made this Crockpot Lasagna Soup as well. This wasn't as big of a hit - maybe because I used straight tomato juice instead of V8? I would still consider tweaking it and keeping it on the menu.

Have you tried any good recipes lately? I find myself using many of our old recipes on a cycle that probably gets tiring for my family, so I'm always in the market for new recipes (especially if they involve the slow cooker!).

2016 Reading List Progress

After a very successful year of reading, I wasn't sure what sort of goals to make for 2016. I wanted to be realistic, as I'm expecting a baby halfway through the year. I have compiled a huge lifetime reading list, mostly made up of British and American classics, and I'm planning to reread everything I HAVE read if I read it before I graduated from college (I hope that makes sense...). So most of that reading will likely get done when my kids are in college!

Two friends posted this reading challenge on my wall to inspire me in 2016. If I broke it up evenly, it's a book per month. I've already read two books this month, so I'm giving myself some space for June, July, and August! So here's what I'm thinking and what I've accomplished:

A book published this year - I think I'll wait a bit to decide on this one. I have a couple of books I wouldn't mind reading that aren't out yet, but I appreciate any suggestions.

A book that you can finish in a day - It might be Stuart Little or Number the Stars - these are two books on my reading list that I can probably finish quickly, even if it's during marathon nursing sessions in June or July!

A book you've been meaning to read - There are so many of these, and I have some of them here and some that I can get from the library.

A book recommended by your local librarian or bookseller - I cheated on this one. We subscribe to WORLD Magazine and they not only review and recommend books, but they have a "Books of the Year" issue as well. I wrote down several books from that issue, and I settled on Frog: A Novel by Mo Yan for this part of the challenge. I was initially intimidated by the character names (it takes place in China), and I'm sure I got some of the characters mixed up in my head, but the book was incredibly moving and kept me interested. It has to do with China's family planning policy, and it was a very interesting story. You can find World's 2015 Books of the Year (this book was a runner-up) post here.

A book you should have read in school - I think this one will likely be A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I remember muddling through it freshman year of high school, but it was the kind of muddling you did to get the assignments done. I have always loved to read (a LOT), but I haven't always loved reading what I'm expected to read for assignments. I found that reading Pride and Prejudice when it wasn't dependent on an assignment made it soooo much more bearable (and actually enjoyable!).

A book chosen for you by your spouse, partner, sibling, child, or BFF - This one is still up in the air. I may ask Matt what he suggests, but I may ask a girlfriend.

A book published before you were born - We have plenty of these! I have quite a few classics that I haven't read, so I'll be able to pull one off the shelf. Emma? Northanger Abbey? Anna Karenina? The options are endless (I've actually read Anna Karenina, but it was during or right after high school and I'd like to read it again).

A book that was banned at some point - I'm thinking The Catcher in the Rye for this one. I really, really hated this book when I had to read it in school, and it's already on my list to read again.

A book you previously abandoned - I became very ambitious right before we left for our Thanksgiving week in Branson with the McDaniel family, and I got four books out of the library for the trip. I finished one related to World War II very quickly, then I started the other three to see which ones drew me in the most. I didn't want it to be another one related to World War II, but it ended up being that it happened. I finished that one (eventually) and didn't pick up the other two again for weeks. I started them both again and they are the ones I read so far this year. All that to say, I had previously abandoned Bloodroot. After I finished the first two chapters of this one, it was easy to finish it. It's written in an interesting way (from the perspectives of different characters, who are family members in different generations). There's a sort of mystery related to the plot and it makes you interested to read the last section (you know you'll find out the answer there). It spoke to me as a social worker, as it made me think about the different situations people find themselves in due to family dynamics and learned behavior. I'm glad I powered through on this one.

A book you own but have never read - Like I mentioned, we have plenty of these. And plenty of books we have fit into more than one of these categories! This is where I am now, though. I started The Hunchback of Notre Dame today and I really got ambitious - I'm reading it in French, too. My French is definitely rusty, but it's fun to try and figure it out as I go. I'm reading a few pages in English, followed by a few pages in French. I'm hoping to finish this one by the end of February, but I may find a more realistic goal is the end of March.

A book that intimidates you - I haven't settled on this one yet, but I'm thinking it might be Crime and Punishment or War and Peace. I also love C.S. Lewis, but I started Miracles a few months ago and been terrified to pick it back up. It's just been sitting on my nightstand, untouched, for weeks. I have no idea what he's talking about in it, so it fits the bill in this category.

A book that you've already read at least once - This is another tough one. The first ones that came to mind are Liberal Fascism, What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us, and Atlas Shrugged. I'm still not sure. Decisions, decisions!

Overall, I'm excited about this challenge. Challenging myself to read three books per month in 2015 was easy at times and difficult at times; I'm sure this challenge will hold the same. It's strange to be reading one book at a time (not that it's required for this challenge, but it's what I've been doing), as I usually read two or three books at once.

Are you doing any reading challenges this year? Do you have any suggestions for me?

(Un)Happy Father's Day

Father's Day is a tough day for me. I see the profile pictures change to friends with their dads - old pictures, wedding day portraits, multiple generations. I also have friends who have suffered the loss of their fathers, and I see those tributes to men who did a wonderful job during their time on earth.

My father is gone for me.

But alive.

We lost each other along the way.

My parents did not have an easy marriage. There was a lot of yelling. My father is an alcoholic and an angry drunk. It wasn't a stable relationship; he moved in and out. I remember him saying that we were worthless kids.

One night, my mom (out of concern for our safety), loaded us into the car and we slept for a few hours in a parking lot.

Another time, she bought tickets for us to attend an event, "The Sound of Music" sing-along, but our car wouldn't start. My dad didn't want us to go, so he had taken a part out of the car so that we couldn't leave.

I'll never forget the size and shape of the hole he punched in the kitchen cabinet.

I'll never forget seeing him strapped to a hospital bed, jaundiced and ill, going through alcohol withdrawal.

I'm sure he cared for us, somewhere along the way. I'm not saying he never took care of us, but there are probably more bad memories than good for me. The last time I actually spoke to him, I was calling him to tell him I was pregnant with Aynsley.

That was three and a half years ago.

I've sent him Christmas cards, birth announcements, and birthday cards. We play phone tag every once in awhile but don't connect. He's never met his grandchildren. I'm not sure he knows how to pronounce their names.

I don't feel like it's a terribly big loss for me, as my mom has supported and cared for me every day. I've always had a home, clothes, and food. I've always felt encouraged and loved by someone.

Yet it still hurts to be left behind by blood. I try not to think about it too much because it leaves me feeling rejected. Unloved. Unworthy.

I could go into the statistics that show how involved fathers are more likely to help their kids grow into educated, well-adjusted adults. I could find studies that show how important fathers are when it comes to their daughters self-esteem and eventual romantic relationships.

I don't have to look that stuff up. I lived it.

By the grace of God, I survived a childhood marked for disaster. I was at risk for teen pregnancy, drug use, suicide, underage drinking.

I got involved with a lot of guys as my parents were divorcing. I wasn't without a boyfriend for long in high school. I did and said a lot of things that I'm not proud of today.

I hung out with a crowd that was into drinking and drugs. I remember hearing a story about one of my friends nearly overdosing in his basement while his parents were upstairs.

While I've done a lot that I'm not proud of, I've never had a drink. I've never tried drugs. Although I haven't been perfect, I made no choices that got me near a chance of pregnancy (before marriage).

That might make me sound square or lame and that's fine. I'm proud of all the things I've never done. With genetics marked by alcoholism, with a risk of unplanned pregnancy, with peer pressure from friends and family, I've proven to myself that I'm stronger than my circumstances.

I can overcome.

I've never been fatherless. I grew up with a mother who believed in God and wanted me to know that He existed. That simple foundation gave me something to live for, something to be better for, something to succeed for. When I was praying a prayer, asking God for forgiveness, turning from my sin and asking for His mercy, I had no idea that eternal life was a part of the deal. I was completely clueless when a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And it probably sounds silly to those who don't believe, but it would have sounded silly to me, too. Then I felt the change in my heart.

He has given me the strength to make the right decisions. He has given me purpose when I could have felt worthless. He has given me dreams when I could have been empty.

I won't let my circumstances hold me back.

I won't be held back from success in any area of my life.

I have a Father who has never left me alone, has accepted me and made me feel worthy.

I have a Father who has blessed me with a wonderful father-in-law, a fantastic man to be the father of my children, and plenty of wonderful father figures.

So it can be a happy Father's Day after all.