This is a rather serious blog post (which is often boring; no mariachi band photos here) and I (Laurryn) have been “collecting my thoughts” about it; hence the long break between posts. And although it may seem boring, I’m genuinely curious about thoughts on the topics I’m thinking of lately.
I guess this post has two main concerns or questions. The first is about parenting for life and the second is about healthy relationships.
Thoughts on “parenting for life”: do you think there comes a time when you cease to be a parent in the traditional sense? I guess what I mean is, at what point do you stop telling your kids what to do? A lot of people would probably say that you stop telling them what to do when they move out (since you can’t use the “if you’re under my roof” argument). But what if your kids (I use the word “kids” but they could very well be in their mid-thirties; they’re still your children) are breaking the law? Morally wrong, in your opinion? Do you just let it go?
I know some parents who have quit parenting. They still have minor children, but they are just DONE. They are wrapped up in themselves, in each other, that they seemingly decided to let their children do whatever they please. They blow off misbehavior, flagrant violation of laws, disrespect. I realize that this situation still involves minor children, living under the same “roof,” but I am really struggling with the fact that these parents are abandoning their children (save sheltering and feeding).
A few weeks ago, someone told me why they had never had kids. This is a woman I greatly respect and admire, and I had never known why she had chosen not to have kids. “I couldn’t be all in,” she said. She knew that she couldn’t give all of herself for her children, and so she chose to remain a wife, a sister, a daughter, and an aunt, but not a mother. Is this selfish? Or is this better than the parenting that’s only half-hearted (if that)?
The second thought is related to the first: is a healthy relationship one that only ties two people closer together? Because of my background with violence victims who are isolated, I cannot help but think it is not healthy, but some might argue that since a relationship is made up of those two people, perhaps it is healthy if it only ties two people closer together (absent of isolation). But I see couples that are merely concerned with themselves. You can’t reach them to lean outside of their “bubble.”
One of my favorite quotes is from a well-known French writer, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. “Love does not consist of gazing at each other but of looking together in the same direction.” I think this quote says it all. I think a healthy relationship teaches its relationship-ers to love other more, not to recede further into “each other.” I feel that I’ve learned to love others so much more in the last few years, and I hope that those that I love feel that way.
One of my least favorite phrases is “whatever makes you happy” (also known as “as long as you’re happy” or “if you’re happy, that’s all that matters”). I just don’t agree with it. Horrible things could be making you “happy.” Unhealthy things. Illegal things. Things that may be at the expense of others.
Considering parenting, I don’t think that children benefit from “freedom” (lack of rules and boundaries). I think the parents that I mentioned “gave up” on their kids before the kids gave up on the parents. Especially in children with troubled pasts – I don’t know that it’s fair to assume that a kid is “healthy” inside if he seems it. Plenty of kids, regardless of their home environment, seem healthy when they aren’t. Ignoring problems and sweeping them under the rug is not only dangerous but I consider it to be, quite frankly, stupid.
Real life involves free will. Car accidents, infidelity, violence, sexual abuse, and any other number of horrible or seemingly unjust occurrences happen because God gives people free will. These happenings are the things from which Christ redeems us. These are the scars that He heals. These are the things that make us the people that we are. These are the things that have shaped us and formed us to be beautiful but broken witnesses for Him.
I come from a household that included violence, abuse, and alcoholism, among other dysfunctions. I can’t run from it; I won’t avoid it. I’ve embraced it and used it for the purposes of His Kingdom. Real life includes sin, and having an imperfect upbringing has made me into a woman whose scars have been healed by the power of Jesus Christ. I don’t want to hide those scars or sweep the unpleasant parts of my past under the rug. Those parts of my life have made me able to connect to others in a way that wouldn’t have been possible if my background were different. And while I will create a healthy and safe environment for my children, I won’t ignore things that need to be dealt with immediately. I won’t pretend that life is sunshine and lollipops, because it’s not. I will protect my children and preserve their innocence for as long as possible, but I will not raise naïve children and ask them to survive in this world.
Hearing that someone I loved didn’t have kids because she knew she couldn’t be “all in” made me think about being a parent. Can I do it? Can I go all in? Can I devote my time, my talent, and my treasure to a little human being and, over time, more and more little human beings? Can I deal with all that I can foresee being a part of parenting, like being exhausted, disappointed, heartbroken, weary? Can I NEVER give up on my kids, constantly try to let them know that they are loved and cherished? Can I strive to make sure they never feel abandoned?
One might expect that I would rethink my thoughts on parenting but, now, I feel even more committed to being a parent than before. And although there are no little McDaniels on the way, I know that I am ready to go “all in.” I know that it won’t be easy, but, as the saying goes, nothing worthwhile ever is.
Okay, you can’t still be reading this. This post is crazy-jumbled and may not make sense to anyone whose brain is not mine. Maybe you have no thoughts or maybe you have no idea, but I welcome comments. I will try not to make any more crazy-what-the-heck-is-she-talking-about posts.
An upcoming post may include what it’s like to be the sole female in a house of two grown men and two grown dogs. Or a day in the life of the nanny. Or a day in the life of the four boys subjected to the nanny. Over my Christmas break, I am planning to document “A Day in the Life of T’Angelo and Tumbler.” After all, you must have SO many questions about our dogs. What are their favorite toys? Where do you buy their dog food? How high can Tumbler jump? What is a KONG? These questions and more will be answered by mid-December!
Secrets of the Russian Breath Masters?! I don't...I don't even know. Let's move on.
Oh...Parkour. That's cool. Mmkay.
So there you have it! Matt's (Not So) Top 5 Christmas Wishlist and my comments! (That's what happens when you send me links to what you want with no order, comments, or extra information.) T'Angelo and Tumbler are still working on their list, although they have told me that it should be done shortly (I reminded them that they are not giving their family members adequate time to purchase gifts. Sometimes they forget about all the stuff that humans do since they're, you know, dogs).
