It's hard to believe that our brand-new boy arrived 6 months ago! We've been having so much fun as a family of four since then. I'm finding it really is a challenge to have two kids, though - I didn't expect for this to be such a difficult transition for me.
I know that every kid is different, but Gavriel and Aynsley are more different than I expected. Aynsley was content to be put down at a fairly early age; Gavriel would still prefer to be held most of the time. Aynsley slept great stretches pretty early on; Gavriel finally slept through the night at 4 months (twice as long as it took Aynsley, although I know that I should be ecstatic with both). Aynsley hated to be swaddled; Gavriel needed it.
I really felt like a crazy person for the first two months of Gavriel's life. I remember being really mean - I had a terribly short fuse. I know that I was mean to my mom, I was mean to Matt, and I couldn't stop getting up and getting everything done. I was so determined to prove that I wouldn't be slowed down by two kids (I want FIVE, after all). Aynsley handled the transition pretty well, but I fell apart when she got sick (vomit-sick, for the first time ever). Gavriel got sick within the first few months and just wanted to sleep (and barely eat, which made me terribly stressed). Everyone (except me) had pinkeye and both kids had terrible coughs (which required bloodwork for Aynsley, but it ended up being nothing but a bad cold).
I find myself counting down the hours to bedtime a bit more now...I don't think I'm in survival mode most days, but I do enjoy the quiet time that comes with both kids being in bed. I know that many moms would love my "job" (keeping my kids at home, keeping two other kids - one full-time, one part-time) and the perks of it (getting chores done, watching tv at naptime, 12 hours of - typically - uninterrupted evening/sleep), but it's still difficult, day in and day out. If I don't get the dishwasher emptied before the kids are up, I feel like I can't get anything done (admittedly, I can't load the dirty dishes, and that sets me back and makes me crazy). I hear people tell me that the house will be there when the kids are gone, so I should enjoy them. That's great and all; really, I understand the motive behind that. However, it doesn't change the fact that I need to do the dishes! And my family needs clean clothes! And everyone likes to eat food, but I have to cook it!
I find myself losing patience more easily. I find myself taking deep breaths and closing my eyes and couting to ten in my head. I find myself begging, pleading with God to give me the patience and strength that I need to be the right example. A day will go by and I didn't play with the girls as much as I would have liked. I spent more time on my phone than I should have. I didn't get things from my to-do list done. So I feel like a failure at EVERYTHING.
The good thing is that there's plenty to be positive about now. Aynsley is picking up letters and numbers without me having to work with her much (I will try not to brag, but she might be a genius). She doesn't get much screen time (a little educational tv here and there, next to no time with our phones and tablet) and is totally content. She loves to read, especiallly to her brother. She's FUNNY. She's an amazing eater (asking for more lentil soup the other night). Overall, she's pretty well-behaved. She loves Gwen and they have an absolute blast together. (Sidenote: When I had Gavriel, I told Matt that I felt like I was "cheating" on Aynsley (I know that sounds weird). I'll never forget a friend telling me that I was giving Aynsley the best gift - a sibling. How true! When I hear them both gigglig in the other room, I can't help but smile.)
I get to work out (if I get up early enough or make a sacrifice during naptime). I get to read. I get to see my husband every day. I make a little money and don't feel like a total schmuck. I get to (attempt to) clean my house, water my plants, and cook dinner while most people have to sit at a desk (although sometimes I would really like to trade for a quiet office and a desk). I get to do field trips (although they're usually to Sam's Club or Aldi), projects, and teaching (right in my kitchen!). I get to get up every day and try again, try a little harder, to show love to these kids. To show them how to be a grown-up. To show them Jesus.
Moms of many - will this go by faster with every additional kid? I mean, the last six months have flown by (the last two have been especially wonderful, since Gavriel has been sleeping 12-hour stretches)! I can't believe that I have two.
Also, for anyone who deals with phantom crying...Will it ever stop? Seriously, once a week (at least), this happens:
ME: Oh, my gosh, how long has he been fussing?
MATT (looking at me quizzically): What are you talking about?
ME: Gavriel! He's fussing! How bad has it been?
MATT: I haven't heard a thing. What are you talking about?
ME: He's totally been crying! I told myself that I would just load and set the dishwasher and then I'd go get him.
MATT (staring at me blankly): Um...I think you're crazy.
I'm always hearing crying!
And now I'm starting to respond the way that I'd like when people say that I must have my hands full..."Yes, full of good things!" It's the truth.
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