June 4th - My (Double) Roller Coaster of Emotion Over Two Pink Lines

I'm due on June 4th, one month from today! I'm still working on a somewhat sizeable to do list, but I'm getting things done and getting excited to meet my little girl.

It didn't occur to me until a few months ago, but being due on June 4th is significant. I had planned on writing a post about it at some point, but I was cleaning out a notebook and found these words I jotted down quickly nearly a year ago (it would have been June 2nd or 3rd of 2015).

"My daughter turned three last week. My son will be 16 months old soon. Earlier this week, I took a pregnancy test and found out baby #3 is to be expected early next year. This wasn't entirely shocking, as my husband and I were planning for this one and I'd had an inkling it was time to take a test.

Yet I find myself feeling unprepared - three kids? I'm not ready. I don't have it all together yet. I still lean on timeouts and deal with tantrums. I still find myself overwhelmed by making dinner some nights. I have a million chances...I thought I would have it together by now.

We want five kids. Most of our friends have one or two kids, but we have some friends with four or five kids. We've always wanted a big family, but I get such mixed reactions when I say that.

As I have more kids, though, I'm finding that I'm worrying more, not less. What if she actually has leukemia and I have no idea? What if he gets into a horrible accident when he's a teenager? I don't lose any sleep over these things, but I'd be lying if I said the worst-case scenario didn't cross my mind occasionally.

It's daring, I think. Bold. Brave. To risk something heartbreaking, to risk a devastating loss. To step into a place of uncertainty, of instability, of the unknown.

Yet the rewards are so beautiful. The smiles, the giggles, hearing "mama" and seeing chubby little hands reaching for me. Having magic kisses that heal little hurts. Watching kids hug, share, love. Hearing the unprovoked "I love you, Mommy."

I may feel like I mess it up a million times a day, but I'm doing better than I think (I think). I need to do the best that I can today and every day."

We had just gotten back from Mexico on a Sunday night (I had been expecting my period on the last day of our trip, Saturday) and I bought a test on Monday night. I was giddy about the positive result. I had two full, blissful days before I started bleeding on the morning of June 4th. I know it was early, but for me it was still that devastating loss. It doesn't compare to what some of my close friends have been through, but it was one of the most heartbreaking things I've been through in my nearly 30 years.

I spent months trying to control every detail of life - months keeping everything in my own hands. I worked so hard to make things happen and nothing did.

When I finally gave up, I realized I really couldn't make anything happen. I couldn't. There were plenty of things in my life that I could do and control and say, but I couldn't make it happen. I just couldn't.

When I got tired of trying to control it, I gave it to God. I acknowledged that it wasn't in my power and I just let go.

Of course, that's when we found out about baby #3.

I can't believe I didn't make the June 4th connection right away, but I didn't (or if I did, I definitely forgot about it). Now I'm preparing to welcome another little bundle of joy into our family and our home and I feel so blessed. God hadn't forgotten about me, but I was sure He had. God had heard my prayers and knew every thought and desire and heartache that I'd ever experienced but I was sure He had no idea.

I still learn so much from these words I wrote before I knew what would happen. I still don't have it all together, but I find myself enjoying the ebbs and flows of parenthood and finding new ways to enjoy the crazy or silly. After all, for so long, I was so afraid I'd never again feel a little person moving around inside me, never again have the joy of sharing the news of a sibling, never again get to hold my own little newborn baby.

So when I felt funny one evening in September 2015 and noticed I was leaning on the jogging stroller during my run a little more than usual, I was anxious but apprehensive about taking a pregnancy test. I ended up taking it in the Meijer family restroom about two seconds after I bought it. The flush on the toilet scared the kids and they both screamed and I shoved the test back in the box before the two minutes was up. We headed back out to the car, where I got them buckled in and settled into the driver's seat. I took a deep breath and then took a look. My heart probably stopped, but I'm sure I couldn't wipe the grin off my face for the rest of the night. Despite being scared and worried, I was so full of hope.

I have this hope for the many friends I know who have been through similar loss. I hope they aren't afraid to risk it, despite the heartbreak that can certainly occur. I know my loss was early, but it just gave me a small glimpse into what many of my friends have experienced. My heart aches, that ache that you can't even put into words, for that type of sadness.

A friend (who has been through her share of loss and heartbreak and fear and has remained one of the strongest and most faithful and most hopeful people I know) shared this quote with me and it speaks to me for every friend who has felt this kind of grief. That baby is real.

Another friend who went through a miscarriage told of how some were dismissive - something must have been wrong, maybe her body wasn't ready, etc. I'll never forget what she said, because I know that feeling: "But I already loved it."

The grief doesn't go away because of the logical things that may have been wrong. The love is there from the start, despite any of the other emotions.

All that to say that this baby is even more of a blessing because of the pain that I went through last summer. I felt abandoned and alone even though God hadn't left my side - I had simply convinced myself that He had left because I wasn't getting what I wanted when I wanted it. I have appreciated and enjoyed every kick and nudge because I was terrified I would never experience it again. I have carefully folded and gushed over all of the little bitty clothes because I was afraid it would make more sense to sell all of the baby stuff. I have thanked God repeatedly for answering my prayers, the ones spoken so desperately in the midst of my heartbreak.

He delivers. For always.

A Random Week in Review

One of my favorite bloggers does a random posts of things that have been happening in her house lately - favorite toys of the kids, how the family schedule has been, favorite recipes. This was a week of Pinterest help in our home! I thought I'd share a few things.

I pulled out Pretty Pretty Princess this week (it had been in Aynsley's closet for years) and the kids had a blast with it. Carter didn't get to play, but the girls (and even Gavriel) had a blast! Does anyone remember having this game as a kid? It was my favorite at one point!

Thanks to this incredibly helpful tutorial, I was able to replace the elastic in three of our cloth diapers this week. Aside from getting the elastic, I had the other tools needed to make it happen. Thanks to this tutorial and my parents for buying me a sewing machine in high school (and for my Intro to Fashion teacher, who taught me most everything I know about sewing).

I've been spending some time with this book, but I think I've only found three names. I'm working with some limitations here, though! Matt and I have talked about looking for a name that starts in second half of the alphabet (since Aynsley, Gavriel, and Laurryn all start with letters in the first half of the alphabet) and a name that has seven letters in it (it turns out that, not by our planning, all four of our names have seven letters). I also like that we each have our own letter, so I'm looking for a seven-letter name (that I love) that starts with N-Z. Ah.

This little bundle of energy takes great naps, but he was up a little early one day this week. He got some snuggles and we took some pictures together before we got the other kids up for the afternoon. He is at such a fun age and we have been loving hearing him talk and talk and talk!

We tried some new slow cooker recipes this week. The slow cooker is one of my very favorite kitchen appliances, and I have definitely been putting it to work lately! I love putting the ingredients in it in the morning and eating whenever we are ready.

We tried out this Slow Cooker Creamy Chicken Noodle Soup one night. Matt isn't a big mushroom fan, so I left those out and added carrots and celery instead. The kids didn't mind it, but Matt and I definitely enjoyed it. I'm planning to make it again this week!

I also made this Crock Pot Cream Cheese Chicken Chile when we had friends over this week. It's a variation of another recipe I frequently make, but the other recipe calls for sour cream, which I don't usually have, and this one calls for cream cheese, which I do usually have. It also called for a Ranch seasoning packet, but I've taken those powdered mixes off my shopping list in recent months (opting for making my own at times). This was a pretty tasty dish with pasta and soda bread. Everyone seemed to enjoy it; I know I did!

Finally, I made this Crockpot Lasagna Soup as well. This wasn't as big of a hit - maybe because I used straight tomato juice instead of V8? I would still consider tweaking it and keeping it on the menu.

Have you tried any good recipes lately? I find myself using many of our old recipes on a cycle that probably gets tiring for my family, so I'm always in the market for new recipes (especially if they involve the slow cooker!).

2016 Reading List Progress

After a very successful year of reading, I wasn't sure what sort of goals to make for 2016. I wanted to be realistic, as I'm expecting a baby halfway through the year. I have compiled a huge lifetime reading list, mostly made up of British and American classics, and I'm planning to reread everything I HAVE read if I read it before I graduated from college (I hope that makes sense...). So most of that reading will likely get done when my kids are in college!

Two friends posted this reading challenge on my wall to inspire me in 2016. If I broke it up evenly, it's a book per month. I've already read two books this month, so I'm giving myself some space for June, July, and August! So here's what I'm thinking and what I've accomplished:

A book published this year - I think I'll wait a bit to decide on this one. I have a couple of books I wouldn't mind reading that aren't out yet, but I appreciate any suggestions.

A book that you can finish in a day - It might be Stuart Little or Number the Stars - these are two books on my reading list that I can probably finish quickly, even if it's during marathon nursing sessions in June or July!

A book you've been meaning to read - There are so many of these, and I have some of them here and some that I can get from the library.

A book recommended by your local librarian or bookseller - I cheated on this one. We subscribe to WORLD Magazine and they not only review and recommend books, but they have a "Books of the Year" issue as well. I wrote down several books from that issue, and I settled on Frog: A Novel by Mo Yan for this part of the challenge. I was initially intimidated by the character names (it takes place in China), and I'm sure I got some of the characters mixed up in my head, but the book was incredibly moving and kept me interested. It has to do with China's family planning policy, and it was a very interesting story. You can find World's 2015 Books of the Year (this book was a runner-up) post here.

A book you should have read in school - I think this one will likely be A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I remember muddling through it freshman year of high school, but it was the kind of muddling you did to get the assignments done. I have always loved to read (a LOT), but I haven't always loved reading what I'm expected to read for assignments. I found that reading Pride and Prejudice when it wasn't dependent on an assignment made it soooo much more bearable (and actually enjoyable!).

A book chosen for you by your spouse, partner, sibling, child, or BFF - This one is still up in the air. I may ask Matt what he suggests, but I may ask a girlfriend.

A book published before you were born - We have plenty of these! I have quite a few classics that I haven't read, so I'll be able to pull one off the shelf. Emma? Northanger Abbey? Anna Karenina? The options are endless (I've actually read Anna Karenina, but it was during or right after high school and I'd like to read it again).

A book that was banned at some point - I'm thinking The Catcher in the Rye for this one. I really, really hated this book when I had to read it in school, and it's already on my list to read again.

A book you previously abandoned - I became very ambitious right before we left for our Thanksgiving week in Branson with the McDaniel family, and I got four books out of the library for the trip. I finished one related to World War II very quickly, then I started the other three to see which ones drew me in the most. I didn't want it to be another one related to World War II, but it ended up being that it happened. I finished that one (eventually) and didn't pick up the other two again for weeks. I started them both again and they are the ones I read so far this year. All that to say, I had previously abandoned Bloodroot. After I finished the first two chapters of this one, it was easy to finish it. It's written in an interesting way (from the perspectives of different characters, who are family members in different generations). There's a sort of mystery related to the plot and it makes you interested to read the last section (you know you'll find out the answer there). It spoke to me as a social worker, as it made me think about the different situations people find themselves in due to family dynamics and learned behavior. I'm glad I powered through on this one.

A book you own but have never read - Like I mentioned, we have plenty of these. And plenty of books we have fit into more than one of these categories! This is where I am now, though. I started The Hunchback of Notre Dame today and I really got ambitious - I'm reading it in French, too. My French is definitely rusty, but it's fun to try and figure it out as I go. I'm reading a few pages in English, followed by a few pages in French. I'm hoping to finish this one by the end of February, but I may find a more realistic goal is the end of March.

A book that intimidates you - I haven't settled on this one yet, but I'm thinking it might be Crime and Punishment or War and Peace. I also love C.S. Lewis, but I started Miracles a few months ago and been terrified to pick it back up. It's just been sitting on my nightstand, untouched, for weeks. I have no idea what he's talking about in it, so it fits the bill in this category.

A book that you've already read at least once - This is another tough one. The first ones that came to mind are Liberal Fascism, What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us, and Atlas Shrugged. I'm still not sure. Decisions, decisions!

Overall, I'm excited about this challenge. Challenging myself to read three books per month in 2015 was easy at times and difficult at times; I'm sure this challenge will hold the same. It's strange to be reading one book at a time (not that it's required for this challenge, but it's what I've been doing), as I usually read two or three books at once.

Are you doing any reading challenges this year? Do you have any suggestions for me?

(Un)Happy Father's Day

Father's Day is a tough day for me. I see the profile pictures change to friends with their dads - old pictures, wedding day portraits, multiple generations. I also have friends who have suffered the loss of their fathers, and I see those tributes to men who did a wonderful job during their time on earth.

My father is gone for me.

But alive.

We lost each other along the way.

My parents did not have an easy marriage. There was a lot of yelling. My father is an alcoholic and an angry drunk. It wasn't a stable relationship; he moved in and out. I remember him saying that we were worthless kids.

One night, my mom (out of concern for our safety), loaded us into the car and we slept for a few hours in a parking lot.

Another time, she bought tickets for us to attend an event, "The Sound of Music" sing-along, but our car wouldn't start. My dad didn't want us to go, so he had taken a part out of the car so that we couldn't leave.

I'll never forget the size and shape of the hole he punched in the kitchen cabinet.

I'll never forget seeing him strapped to a hospital bed, jaundiced and ill, going through alcohol withdrawal.

I'm sure he cared for us, somewhere along the way. I'm not saying he never took care of us, but there are probably more bad memories than good for me. The last time I actually spoke to him, I was calling him to tell him I was pregnant with Aynsley.

That was three and a half years ago.

I've sent him Christmas cards, birth announcements, and birthday cards. We play phone tag every once in awhile but don't connect. He's never met his grandchildren. I'm not sure he knows how to pronounce their names.

I don't feel like it's a terribly big loss for me, as my mom has supported and cared for me every day. I've always had a home, clothes, and food. I've always felt encouraged and loved by someone.

Yet it still hurts to be left behind by blood. I try not to think about it too much because it leaves me feeling rejected. Unloved. Unworthy.

I could go into the statistics that show how involved fathers are more likely to help their kids grow into educated, well-adjusted adults. I could find studies that show how important fathers are when it comes to their daughters self-esteem and eventual romantic relationships.

I don't have to look that stuff up. I lived it.

By the grace of God, I survived a childhood marked for disaster. I was at risk for teen pregnancy, drug use, suicide, underage drinking.

I got involved with a lot of guys as my parents were divorcing. I wasn't without a boyfriend for long in high school. I did and said a lot of things that I'm not proud of today.

I hung out with a crowd that was into drinking and drugs. I remember hearing a story about one of my friends nearly overdosing in his basement while his parents were upstairs.

While I've done a lot that I'm not proud of, I've never had a drink. I've never tried drugs. Although I haven't been perfect, I made no choices that got me near a chance of pregnancy (before marriage).

That might make me sound square or lame and that's fine. I'm proud of all the things I've never done. With genetics marked by alcoholism, with a risk of unplanned pregnancy, with peer pressure from friends and family, I've proven to myself that I'm stronger than my circumstances.

I can overcome.

I've never been fatherless. I grew up with a mother who believed in God and wanted me to know that He existed. That simple foundation gave me something to live for, something to be better for, something to succeed for. When I was praying a prayer, asking God for forgiveness, turning from my sin and asking for His mercy, I had no idea that eternal life was a part of the deal. I was completely clueless when a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And it probably sounds silly to those who don't believe, but it would have sounded silly to me, too. Then I felt the change in my heart.

He has given me the strength to make the right decisions. He has given me purpose when I could have felt worthless. He has given me dreams when I could have been empty.

I won't let my circumstances hold me back.

I won't be held back from success in any area of my life.

I have a Father who has never left me alone, has accepted me and made me feel worthy.

I have a Father who has blessed me with a wonderful father-in-law, a fantastic man to be the father of my children, and plenty of wonderful father figures.

So it can be a happy Father's Day after all.

Almost Debt Free: How We Paid Off More Than $43,000 in the Last 18 Months

I've spent the last few days taking notes whenever I think about how we've managed to it - pay off more than $43,000 in the last 18 months.  As you can imagine, it has not been easy.  Now that the end is truly in sight (barring any unforeseen circumstances, we're 2 to 3 months away from paying off our student loan debt), I thought that I would share our journey.

Here are a few disclaimers.  I know that everyone's story is different.  For us, it has really just been student loans.  We have a credit card but we've never carried a balance.  We had an interest-free personal loan from a family member for a car.  When we were both working full-time, we bought our house.  We never deferred our loans (even when they were automatically deferred when I started grad school, we opted to continue paying them while we paid for grad school outright).

We also have great insurance, so we haven't had to spend much to have our kids or to keep them healthy.  I know that sometimes people have to save for hospital bills after birth (or make payments afterwards), but that hasn't been something that we've needed to do.  We have decent vision and dental, so we've always been able to pay for everything we've needed (and we've followed the suggested guidelines for our check-ups for both).

Matt also had a lot of opportunities for overtime last year.  Gavriel was new and little and it was so hard to handle everything myself at home.  It was incredibly difficult sometimes - days and days would go by and I had spent all day and all night with the kids, by myself.  I knew it was all for a greater good but it was hard to deal with so much loneliness at the time.

I know that all of these circumstances are completely ours.  I know that some of the things that we've done won't work for everyone.  As of now, we have a lot.  2 children, 2 dogs.  A beautiful home that has only increased in value since we've purchased it.  2 cars (both with more than 170,000 miles).  I stay home (and have been able to earn some income by keeping a beautiful little girl, a best friend to Aynsley and Gavriel, on weekdays for about the last four years).

Now for how we accomplished this feat (maybe it's not a feat to some, but it definitely was to us!).  Shortly after we got married, Matt made it clear that he didn't want to settle for making the minimum payment on our loans every month.  He didn't want to have the weight of those tens of thousands of dollars over us forever.  We know a lot of people who have the attitude of just paying the check every month and accepting it, and that's fine for others, but we wanted to be done early.  Really, Matt wanted to be done early and I sighed and decided to stop buying so much clothing.

We don't know exactly how much student loan debt we started with - probably between $80,000 and $100,000.  Don't get me started.

Anyway, we agreed on getting out of debt as fast as we could.  I fought budgeting, though.  If I hadn't done that, we'd be out of debt by now!  We would sit for our budget meetings and I would get so frustrated by how many bills we had.  We weren't doing anything extravagant, we weren't eating out much, we had basic cable!  I was pretty tired of being an adult and I wasn't even very far into the whole thing.  I wouldn't finish budget meetings; I'd storm off in disgust.  How mature, I know.

We managed to keep paying off loans as I started grad school (I worked, full-time or part-time, for all of my time in school).  This is where I started to pick up on my hustle.  My grad school program was scheduled to be 6 semesters, and we were able to pay for the majority of that on a payment plan with the school.  We did get a loan during the last two semesters, but I got the most for my money.  I worked hard during my first summer semester and took double the load to avoid an additional semester - so I finished the 6-semester program in 5.  Students were encouraged to keep a light load in the summer (since the fall and spring semesters were full and included practicums and the additional projects those required), but I powered through so that we wouldn't have to pay for that final (extra) semester.

After completing grad school, I was blessed to get a "job" working at home - watching a beautiful baby girl during weekdays.  I also continued to work a part-time job in social work on Saturdays.  I knew it wouldn't be long before we wanted to have kids, so I started to stick a little closer to the budget (I was starting to sit through the budget meetings for a little bit longer).  After I became pregnant with Aynsley, I carefully chose how I wanted to spend our money.  I took time to decide on what I wanted to buy new and what I was happy to have used.

Sacrifice and settling have been the name of the game since then.  We live in a culture that tells us that we deserve whatever we want and we deserve it now.  I have felt that about everything from a cup of coffee to clothing to a new car.  Yet I DON'T deserve it, not unless I've earned it and worked for it.  It was difficult for me to overcome this attitude (and I'm so grateful that it didn't cause me to put us into any further debt), but it has really made a difference.  We've generally stuck with the Financial Peace/Dave Ramsey plan, cash in the envelopes and all.

We have DIY'ed everything that we possibly could.  Seriously.  We have paid one professional for anything in our home in the last several years, and only because we had no other option (our stairwell needed to be painted and - though I love to paint - we don't have the tools to reach high enough on the walls).  When our air conditioner broke, we called a friend who worked in heating and cooling and he took care of it in a few minutes at no cost (I sent a gift card; don't worry).  Matt has fixed our laptop, washer, dryer, disposal, cars, and a ton of other things.  I cut everyone's hair in our kitchen and/or bathtub (I'm the only one who gets a professional haircut, and it is pretty much the only money that I spend on myself).  Our dogs get yearly check-ups and shots, but we otherwise care for them at home.  So that means that we groom them ourselves and it's not perfect, but my motto is "better than a shelter."  (I mentioned that Matt has fixed the washer and dryer, but I feel I should clarify and give credit where it's due.  I don't remember what broke first - maybe the dryer and then the washer and then the dryer again and then the washer again?  Anyway, Matt ultimately fixed the dryer - sort of - and we got a new washer.  I still have to reset the thermostat on our dryer pretty frequently because the dryer stops heating.  This involves screwdrivers and a little tool, maybe it's called an altimeter?  I feel pretty smart and handy whenever I get it working again.  After our washer died, a friend found a cheap washer on the curb in her neighborhood and snatched it up for us.  It needed some cheap repairs, which Matt managed - with YouTube's help.  During the time of the Laundry Crisis of 2014, I did laundry at the homes of three different friends.  People - thank you.  Thank you for letting me bring smelly clothes - and diapers - into your home.  Can you guess what I want to replace right after we get out of debt?!)

We are so CHEAP.  I know that a lot of people subscribe to money-saving blogs, and that's one thing that I do, too.  I stretch ingredients for recipes.  We buy everything that we can at Aldi.  We use cloth diapers.  I coupon (but only when I see things that I know I'll be buying).  We check retailmenot.com before every single online purchase.  When our car was totaled and we got the insurance check, we bought a cheaper car and paid off a loan.  Matt called and complained when the promotional price for our internet service ended so that we pay less now.  I make the very most of resales, clearance, hand-me-downs, and buying/selling sites on Facebook.  If I buy something brand-new for my kids, it's because I couldn't find it somewhere else used or on clearance.  We have a digital antenna and no cable.  We use two somewhat unknown phone services - Ooma and Ting (we don't feel obligated to pay for the big names in phone service).  We've never had a problem with either and we are paying less than $4 per month for our home phone service and less than $45 per month for our two cell phones.  We research, research, research before we spend money (even the one time I actually spent money on an app).  Matt eats leftovers at work and I make the most out of every ingredient in our fridge and pantry.

We have to REFRAIN.  I haven't bought Christmas or birthday gifts for friends, nieces, or nephews for years (I hate this.  I hate this so much).  I mentioned that I'll cut coupons, but I don't spend money on things just because they're on sale.  I don't go out of my way to get a good deal on something that will sit on a shelf for a long time - our budget is just too tight.  We haven't bought much for ourselves in the last several years, especially clothing and shoes.  Most of my clothing and shoes are from college or the first year or two of our marriage - I can't afford to be trendy (or even new).  Matt has been wearing the same pair of sneakers for more than six years (and he only has three pairs of non-work shoes).  We use things until there is no use left.  I sew, we repair, we reuse.  To a ridiculous extent.  Our budgets are pretty limited.  Here's some of what we can adjust and work with each month.

- Entertainment - $10 (So that's our Netflix account, and maybe a Redbox.  If we want to go to a movie or something, that will have to come out of personal cash.)
- Personal cash - $25 each (So that's eating out, clothing, etc.)
- Food - $350 for four people (This may seem like a lot to some people - and not much to others - for our whole family. This includes everything we'll be eating for the month.  If we plan on eating out as a family, it comes out of here.  Every breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack comes out of this amount.)
- Shopping - $150 (This includes everything else we'd buy.  This amount has to include diapers, wipes, dog food, clothes, shoes, toiletries, cleaning supplies, and everything else.  Sometimes things have to wait because this budget is not huge.  Mascara was on my shopping list for almost a year - seriously.)

I share our experience in the hopes that someone will find hope in what we've been able to do in the last few years.  We spent so long feeling so trapped by our past decisions and we can't wait to feel freedom from this debt.  We have some very practical things planned (and some fun stuff, too!).  I hope this has inspired someone today!

6 Months as a Mom of 2

It's hard to believe that our brand-new boy arrived 6 months ago!  We've been having so much fun as a family of four since then.  I'm finding it really is a challenge to have two kids, though - I didn't expect for this to be such a difficult transition for me.

I know that every kid is different, but Gavriel and Aynsley are more different than I expected.  Aynsley was content to be put down at a fairly early age; Gavriel would still prefer to be held most of the time.  Aynsley slept great stretches pretty early on; Gavriel finally slept through the night at 4 months (twice as long as it took Aynsley, although I know that I should be ecstatic with both). Aynsley hated to be swaddled; Gavriel needed it.

I really felt like a crazy person for the first two months of Gavriel's life.  I remember being really mean - I had a terribly short fuse.  I know that I was mean to my mom, I was mean to Matt, and I couldn't stop getting up and getting everything done.  I was so determined to prove that I wouldn't be slowed down by two kids (I want FIVE, after all).  Aynsley handled the transition pretty well, but I fell apart when she got sick (vomit-sick, for the first time ever).  Gavriel got sick within the first few months and just wanted to sleep (and barely eat, which made me terribly stressed).  Everyone (except me) had pinkeye and both kids had terrible coughs (which required bloodwork for Aynsley, but it ended up being nothing but a bad cold).

I find myself counting down the hours to bedtime a bit more now...I don't think I'm in survival mode most days, but I do enjoy the quiet time that comes with both kids being in bed.  I know that many moms would love my "job" (keeping my kids at home, keeping two other kids - one full-time, one part-time) and the perks of it (getting chores done, watching tv at naptime, 12 hours of - typically - uninterrupted evening/sleep), but it's still difficult, day in and day out.  If I don't get the dishwasher emptied before the kids are up, I feel like I can't get anything done (admittedly, I can't load the dirty dishes, and that sets me back and makes me crazy).  I hear people tell me that the house will be there when the kids are gone, so I should enjoy them.  That's great and all; really, I understand the motive behind that.  However, it doesn't change the fact that I need to do the dishes!  And my family needs clean clothes!  And everyone likes to eat food, but I have to cook it!

I find myself losing patience more easily.  I find myself taking deep breaths and closing my eyes and couting to ten in my head.  I find myself begging, pleading with God to give me the patience and strength that I need to be the right example.  A day will go by and I didn't play with the girls as much as I would have liked.  I spent more time on my phone than I should have.  I didn't get things from my to-do list done.  So I feel like a failure at EVERYTHING.

The good thing is that there's plenty to be positive about now.  Aynsley is picking up letters and numbers without me having to work with her much (I will try not to brag, but she might be a genius).  She doesn't get much screen time (a little educational tv here and there, next to no time with our phones and tablet) and is totally content.  She loves to read, especiallly to her brother.  She's FUNNY.  She's an amazing eater (asking for more lentil soup the other night).  Overall, she's pretty well-behaved.  She loves Gwen and they have an absolute blast together.  (Sidenote: When I had Gavriel, I told Matt that I felt like I was "cheating" on Aynsley (I know that sounds weird).  I'll never forget a friend telling me that I was giving Aynsley the best gift - a sibling.  How true!  When I hear them both gigglig in the other room, I can't help but smile.)

I get to work out (if I get up early enough or make a sacrifice during naptime).  I get to read.  I get to see my husband every day.  I make a little money and don't feel like a total schmuck.  I get to (attempt to) clean my house, water my plants, and cook dinner while most people have to sit at a desk (although sometimes I would really like to trade for a quiet office and a desk).  I get to do field trips (although they're usually to Sam's Club or Aldi), projects, and teaching (right in my kitchen!).  I get to get up every day and try again, try a little harder, to show love to these kids.  To show them how to be a grown-up.  To show them Jesus.

Moms of many - will this go by faster with every additional kid?  I mean, the last six months have flown by (the last two have been especially wonderful, since Gavriel has been sleeping 12-hour stretches)!  I can't believe that I have two.

Also, for anyone who deals with phantom crying...Will it ever stop?  Seriously, once a week (at least), this happens:

ME: Oh, my gosh, how long has he been fussing?
MATT (looking at me quizzically): What are you talking about?
ME: Gavriel!  He's fussing!  How bad has it been?
MATT: I haven't heard a thing.  What are you talking about?
ME: He's totally been crying!  I told myself that I would just load and set the dishwasher and then I'd go get him.
MATT (staring at me blankly): Um...I think you're crazy.

I'm always hearing crying!

And now I'm starting to respond the way that I'd like when people say that I must have my hands full..."Yes, full of good things!" It's the truth.

The Arrival of Our Gavriel

The newest member of our family has arrived!  We are so glad that he is happy and healthy.  I'm excited to share our story in case you're interested in it.

I'm pretty used to having some contractions every day (and you may remember that my due date was Wednesday, February 12th).  On Sunday, February 2nd, I spent several hours on my feet and several contractions continued once I sat down and relaxed (I had also had just a bit of spotting that day).  After taking a shower and getting in bed, though, the contractions subsided and I was able to sleep.  Later that week, the evening of Wednesday, February 5th, I got to bed later than expected and had several contractions even after getting in bed.  Aynsley was fussing and I got up to comfort her a couple of times.  The contractions were pretty regular but, eventually, I fell asleep.  At my appointment on Thursday, February 6th, I opted not to get checked.  My midwife told me that she was on call over the weekend, so she'd see me at the hospital if anything happened.

The rest of Thursday and Friday were uneventful.  On Saturday morning, we all slept in and had breakfast.  I met a friend for lunch and then did some grocery shopping.  Matt and I watched a little tv while Aynsley napped and then we got ready for a wedding in downtown Louisville.  We dropped Aynsley off with friends and went to the Science Center for the ceremony and reception.  After the ceremony, we were able to walk around the Science Center while the wedding party was taking pictures.  I couldn't do a ton of walking due to being uncomfortable, but we saw things on a few floors before the reception started.  I ate a great dinner, laughed with friends, and had some yummy hot chocolate.  I knew that I wouldn't feel much like dancing, so we were planning to leave earlier than usual.  The first song (after all of the official wedding songs) was "Love Shack" - the song that I requested!  The bride was waiting for me on the dance floor, so I couldn't refuse.  For those of you who know me very well, you know that I LOOOOOOVE "Love Shack."  Love it.

Matt and I picked Aynsley up and went home.  After Aynsley was in bed, I made a batch of brownies for a Sunday School class luncheon that we were planning on attending the next day and put in a load of Aynsley's cloth diapers.  Matt and I watched some tv and then went to bed.  Through all of the tasks I was doing once we got home, I was contracting, but it was nothing intense.

Matt and I got in bed and I fully expected the contractions would stop at that point (I really, really, REALLY wanted another week, week and a half before his arrival).  After the contractions continued for awhile, Matt and I started packing up my hospital bags and cleaning up a bit.  We called friends to come stay with Aynsley.  At this point, the contractions were consistent but very short - they were little bursts that could barely be timed.  I thought that we would go to the hospital and I'd get checked and they'd send me home, but I erred on the side of caution after my short labor with Aynsley and my desire to do a VBAC.

We left shortly after our friends arrived, about 1:30am.  We got to the hospital around 2:00am.  I got checked in and it's possible that my water broke while I was sitting in the office.  When I got in bed and got checked, the nurse said that the bag of waters was intact but that I was complete.  My midwife, however, was still not there, so I was avoiding pushing.  After my midwife arrived, I was able to push and he arrived at 3:12am.  I got to spend the next two hours just holding him, nursing him, and admiring him.

I guess there's always a little more to the story (mine involves fainting, tearing, Pitocin, and wanting to make sure that the bed was made before we left the house), but that's the quick version.

Our sweet boy's name is Gavriel James.  If you think it's a typo, it's not.  Gavriel is a variation on Gabriel (meaning "man of God") and it's pronounced gave-ree-uhl.  His middle name was chosen to honor Matt's great-grandfather, who was a small town marshal killed in the line of duty in 1924.

So I got the birth that I wanted (pretty much) - Bradley method, no drugs, "traditional" delivery.  I had a great coach, who's so proud of me.  Aynsley is enamored with her little brother, worrying when he fusses and wanting to hold him.  He's been nursing well (starting this was sooooo much easier the second time around!) and was almost back up to birth weight at the pediatrician yesterday.  Right now, it feels a little crazy to have 2 under 2, but it's so wonderful to have another child in our family.  We have so much support and love from friends and family.  Thank you for all of the congratulations and kind words!