6 Months as a Mom of 2

It's hard to believe that our brand-new boy arrived 6 months ago!  We've been having so much fun as a family of four since then.  I'm finding it really is a challenge to have two kids, though - I didn't expect for this to be such a difficult transition for me.

I know that every kid is different, but Gavriel and Aynsley are more different than I expected.  Aynsley was content to be put down at a fairly early age; Gavriel would still prefer to be held most of the time.  Aynsley slept great stretches pretty early on; Gavriel finally slept through the night at 4 months (twice as long as it took Aynsley, although I know that I should be ecstatic with both). Aynsley hated to be swaddled; Gavriel needed it.

I really felt like a crazy person for the first two months of Gavriel's life.  I remember being really mean - I had a terribly short fuse.  I know that I was mean to my mom, I was mean to Matt, and I couldn't stop getting up and getting everything done.  I was so determined to prove that I wouldn't be slowed down by two kids (I want FIVE, after all).  Aynsley handled the transition pretty well, but I fell apart when she got sick (vomit-sick, for the first time ever).  Gavriel got sick within the first few months and just wanted to sleep (and barely eat, which made me terribly stressed).  Everyone (except me) had pinkeye and both kids had terrible coughs (which required bloodwork for Aynsley, but it ended up being nothing but a bad cold).

I find myself counting down the hours to bedtime a bit more now...I don't think I'm in survival mode most days, but I do enjoy the quiet time that comes with both kids being in bed.  I know that many moms would love my "job" (keeping my kids at home, keeping two other kids - one full-time, one part-time) and the perks of it (getting chores done, watching tv at naptime, 12 hours of - typically - uninterrupted evening/sleep), but it's still difficult, day in and day out.  If I don't get the dishwasher emptied before the kids are up, I feel like I can't get anything done (admittedly, I can't load the dirty dishes, and that sets me back and makes me crazy).  I hear people tell me that the house will be there when the kids are gone, so I should enjoy them.  That's great and all; really, I understand the motive behind that.  However, it doesn't change the fact that I need to do the dishes!  And my family needs clean clothes!  And everyone likes to eat food, but I have to cook it!

I find myself losing patience more easily.  I find myself taking deep breaths and closing my eyes and couting to ten in my head.  I find myself begging, pleading with God to give me the patience and strength that I need to be the right example.  A day will go by and I didn't play with the girls as much as I would have liked.  I spent more time on my phone than I should have.  I didn't get things from my to-do list done.  So I feel like a failure at EVERYTHING.

The good thing is that there's plenty to be positive about now.  Aynsley is picking up letters and numbers without me having to work with her much (I will try not to brag, but she might be a genius).  She doesn't get much screen time (a little educational tv here and there, next to no time with our phones and tablet) and is totally content.  She loves to read, especiallly to her brother.  She's FUNNY.  She's an amazing eater (asking for more lentil soup the other night).  Overall, she's pretty well-behaved.  She loves Gwen and they have an absolute blast together.  (Sidenote: When I had Gavriel, I told Matt that I felt like I was "cheating" on Aynsley (I know that sounds weird).  I'll never forget a friend telling me that I was giving Aynsley the best gift - a sibling.  How true!  When I hear them both gigglig in the other room, I can't help but smile.)

I get to work out (if I get up early enough or make a sacrifice during naptime).  I get to read.  I get to see my husband every day.  I make a little money and don't feel like a total schmuck.  I get to (attempt to) clean my house, water my plants, and cook dinner while most people have to sit at a desk (although sometimes I would really like to trade for a quiet office and a desk).  I get to do field trips (although they're usually to Sam's Club or Aldi), projects, and teaching (right in my kitchen!).  I get to get up every day and try again, try a little harder, to show love to these kids.  To show them how to be a grown-up.  To show them Jesus.

Moms of many - will this go by faster with every additional kid?  I mean, the last six months have flown by (the last two have been especially wonderful, since Gavriel has been sleeping 12-hour stretches)!  I can't believe that I have two.

Also, for anyone who deals with phantom crying...Will it ever stop?  Seriously, once a week (at least), this happens:

ME: Oh, my gosh, how long has he been fussing?
MATT (looking at me quizzically): What are you talking about?
ME: Gavriel!  He's fussing!  How bad has it been?
MATT: I haven't heard a thing.  What are you talking about?
ME: He's totally been crying!  I told myself that I would just load and set the dishwasher and then I'd go get him.
MATT (staring at me blankly): Um...I think you're crazy.

I'm always hearing crying!

And now I'm starting to respond the way that I'd like when people say that I must have my hands full..."Yes, full of good things!" It's the truth.

The Arrival of Our Gavriel

The newest member of our family has arrived!  We are so glad that he is happy and healthy.  I'm excited to share our story in case you're interested in it.

I'm pretty used to having some contractions every day (and you may remember that my due date was Wednesday, February 12th).  On Sunday, February 2nd, I spent several hours on my feet and several contractions continued once I sat down and relaxed (I had also had just a bit of spotting that day).  After taking a shower and getting in bed, though, the contractions subsided and I was able to sleep.  Later that week, the evening of Wednesday, February 5th, I got to bed later than expected and had several contractions even after getting in bed.  Aynsley was fussing and I got up to comfort her a couple of times.  The contractions were pretty regular but, eventually, I fell asleep.  At my appointment on Thursday, February 6th, I opted not to get checked.  My midwife told me that she was on call over the weekend, so she'd see me at the hospital if anything happened.

The rest of Thursday and Friday were uneventful.  On Saturday morning, we all slept in and had breakfast.  I met a friend for lunch and then did some grocery shopping.  Matt and I watched a little tv while Aynsley napped and then we got ready for a wedding in downtown Louisville.  We dropped Aynsley off with friends and went to the Science Center for the ceremony and reception.  After the ceremony, we were able to walk around the Science Center while the wedding party was taking pictures.  I couldn't do a ton of walking due to being uncomfortable, but we saw things on a few floors before the reception started.  I ate a great dinner, laughed with friends, and had some yummy hot chocolate.  I knew that I wouldn't feel much like dancing, so we were planning to leave earlier than usual.  The first song (after all of the official wedding songs) was "Love Shack" - the song that I requested!  The bride was waiting for me on the dance floor, so I couldn't refuse.  For those of you who know me very well, you know that I LOOOOOOVE "Love Shack."  Love it.

Matt and I picked Aynsley up and went home.  After Aynsley was in bed, I made a batch of brownies for a Sunday School class luncheon that we were planning on attending the next day and put in a load of Aynsley's cloth diapers.  Matt and I watched some tv and then went to bed.  Through all of the tasks I was doing once we got home, I was contracting, but it was nothing intense.

Matt and I got in bed and I fully expected the contractions would stop at that point (I really, really, REALLY wanted another week, week and a half before his arrival).  After the contractions continued for awhile, Matt and I started packing up my hospital bags and cleaning up a bit.  We called friends to come stay with Aynsley.  At this point, the contractions were consistent but very short - they were little bursts that could barely be timed.  I thought that we would go to the hospital and I'd get checked and they'd send me home, but I erred on the side of caution after my short labor with Aynsley and my desire to do a VBAC.

We left shortly after our friends arrived, about 1:30am.  We got to the hospital around 2:00am.  I got checked in and it's possible that my water broke while I was sitting in the office.  When I got in bed and got checked, the nurse said that the bag of waters was intact but that I was complete.  My midwife, however, was still not there, so I was avoiding pushing.  After my midwife arrived, I was able to push and he arrived at 3:12am.  I got to spend the next two hours just holding him, nursing him, and admiring him.

I guess there's always a little more to the story (mine involves fainting, tearing, Pitocin, and wanting to make sure that the bed was made before we left the house), but that's the quick version.

Our sweet boy's name is Gavriel James.  If you think it's a typo, it's not.  Gavriel is a variation on Gabriel (meaning "man of God") and it's pronounced gave-ree-uhl.  His middle name was chosen to honor Matt's great-grandfather, who was a small town marshal killed in the line of duty in 1924.

So I got the birth that I wanted (pretty much) - Bradley method, no drugs, "traditional" delivery.  I had a great coach, who's so proud of me.  Aynsley is enamored with her little brother, worrying when he fusses and wanting to hold him.  He's been nursing well (starting this was sooooo much easier the second time around!) and was almost back up to birth weight at the pediatrician yesterday.  Right now, it feels a little crazy to have 2 under 2, but it's so wonderful to have another child in our family.  We have so much support and love from friends and family.  Thank you for all of the congratulations and kind words!

Oceans.

I don't know if you've heard this song, but it has really spoken to me in the last several weeks that I've heard it on the radio.  As I was sitting in our living room tonight, I was planning on putting on some music for background as I got a few things done.  I went to find the radio version but instead found a live acoustic version from the Relevant studios (I've only been a subscriber to the Relevant magazine for, oh, ten years - most of their existence).  I decided to listen to this version instead, knowing it would probably sound pretty good.

Suddenly, I was crying.  Through the entire thing.

I might be a bit hormonal, but I think this reached beyond that.  My beautiful daughter was in the room with me and, when she saw that I was crying, she asked, "Eyes?"and I said, "Yes, I'm crying.  My eyes are wet.  I need a tissue."  She got a tissue and brought it over to me.  Then she wiped my eyes.  And my nose.  And my eyes again.

And thinking about what an incredible blessing she is, thinking about God granting me the privilege of being a mother, her mother, and the mother of this little one growing inside, and hopefully the mother of future babies to come…It was all so much suddenly.

This pregnancy has been a little different than with Aynsley's…My skin has been a lot more sensitive and the heartburn has been worse, but I have still felt amazing and been in no rush (except for sheer excitement) to meet this little one.  Yet I've been more concerned that something's going to go wrong or that something serious will happen - it might just be knowing more after having one, but I've been a little more worried this time around.

This song, as it talks about deep waters, sometimes makes me think of drowning - drowning in sorrow or grief or fear.  I'm not even feeling like that but I'm afraid that I will feel like that - like something scary or heartbreaking or terrible is up ahead in my future.  And yet I'm reminded to keep my eyes above, not on the things of this world.  I'm reminded that He will bring me through anything, no matter how rough or difficult.  So this is just a brief post to share this song because I think it's so beautiful and it brings me to worship so quickly.

Preparing for a BOY!

We were overjoyed to find out that baby #2 is a boy (we would have been overjoyed either way!) and I am fully in the throes of nesting/preparation/meltdowns.  We are getting a lot of questions about names, what we need, how I'm feeling, and our upcoming plans.

To answer some questions, we don't have any names!  Really and truly, we haven't discussed it.  I'm taking my time, working through a baby name book right now (weird, right?) and we'll figure it out at some point.  We never had a boy's name that we agreed on in the past, so this should be interesting!

I have been preparing for having a boy for some time now.  Since we want such a big family, we got a lot of gender-neutral things (sheets, swing, walker, carseat, stroller, etc.) our first time around and I also bought a lot of used boy clothing months ago.  So baby needs almost no clothes or bedding for several months!  We do need a new mattress for him, along with a few more cloth diaper covers for when he's too small for the BumGenius ones his sister will still be wearing for a bit.  We will eventually need a new high chair (the one we use was free but the cover is falling apart and I can't find a new one) and I would LOVE a second rock 'n play sleeper (although I several friends to borrow from if needed).  Overall, though, he'll be dressed for the next several months.  I should probably start buying some diapers soon, though...

I've been feeling GREAT.  I've had a lot of energy and baby isn't picky about food or drink at all (he likes spicy items a little more than his sister did, so I've had a few Tums already).  I've been painting and sewing and deep cleaning and enjoying it all because my belly isn't too big yet.

One of the big questions that I'm getting is whether Aynsley will stay in her crib after her brother's arrival.  Since baby boy will be in our room for several weeks, I'm planning to keep Aynsley in her crib for quite awhile.  She will have a "big girl" room ready ("big girl" bed and all!) before February and I'll get baby boy's room ready before then, too, even though Aynsley will still be in there for a stretch.

So now you're a little more updated on our preparing for our boy's arrival.  It seems like more work this time around because I'm actually getting two rooms ready, doing regular house-related nesting, and trying to make sure that Aynsley's set on clothing for the next few months (everything is stored in these ginormous tubs in the baby's closet that I won't be able to move for much longer).  Add the upcoming holidays (with all of the wonderful things that come with that but also the stress) and it's busy around here, but it'll be even busier in a few months!

Baby McDaniel #2

Now that the post I was avoiding writing is out of the way, I can write about the most exciting thing coming up for the McDaniels - baby #2!  I'll just answer a few questions that I've been getting.

How far along are you? I am 16 weeks into this pregnancy!

What’s your due date? Baby is due February 12th.

Will you find out what you are having? Our ultrasound will be at 20 weeks, which is September 25th, and we are planning to find out the gender then if all goes well (but we may not announce it immediately).  

Do you have names figured out? We haven’t talked about names much at all.  We probably won't discuss them until after we find out the gender.  With Aynsley, we incorporated a family name from my side (my grandmother's name is Patricia, which is also my mother's middle name and my middle name).  My hope is that we can incorporate a family name from Matt's side for this baby.

Will you still watch Gwen?  And other kids? I am planning to keep watching kiddos!  It makes my life easier.  I can't imagine not having Gwen here; I don't think I'll ever let her go to pre-school.

How have you been feeling? I am one lucky pregnant lady.  I felt good from beginning to end with Aynsley, my only complaints (pretty mild!) being some heartburn and back pain (although Matt and my close friends may remember a few other things).  Honestly, I could have gone another week before Aynsley's arrival because I felt so great (maybe because I was expecting to feel so awful?).  

With this pregnancy, I've felt very similar.  Several days of nausea but no actual sickness, several days of being picky about food, and a strong dislike for a cup of coffee with creamer.  This baby likes the fancy coffee - something from Starbucks or Coffee Crossing is perfect, but a regular cup of joe from the home coffeepot is a no-no.  Today is the first day that I drank an entire cup of regular coffee at home!  Finally!

Will you attempt a VBAC?  You may remember that, after 6 hours of laboring at home, Matt and I found out that I was 9 cm and I was feeling ready to push when we arrived at the hospital...And then we found out that Aynsley was breech.  We won't ever know when Aynsley moved - several midwives believed her to be head-down up until delivery.  So I went through a c-section unexpectedly.  For those of you who don't know, VBAC stands for Vaginal Birth After Cesarian.  The first thing my operating doctor told me after delivery was that I had every hope for a successful VBAC next time around.  Something about the type of incision and my healing, maybe?  Two midwives have several times told me that I'm a great candidate for VBAC, and we want a big family, so I'm definitely going to attempt a VBAC.  

This does change things for my prenatal care, though.  I think I'm listed as high-risk on some of the paperwork at the office (but maybe I would be either way I chose to deliver?).  I have to meet with a doctor in the office (where I go, the staff is made up of several doctors as well as several midwives) to get "approved" for a VBAC (no idea what this will mean - my incision scar has faded, so maybe the doctor will just review my case and discuss the risks with me?).  Also, I'll have an additional ultrasound around 36 weeks to check on baby's position (with low-risk prenatal care provided by my midwives, one ultrasound to check for anatomy at 20 weeks is typical, so that's all we had with Aynsley).  Of course, an ultrasound that near to the end of the pregnancy doesn't guarantee anything, but it'll be nice to have another quick look at our baby then.

If attempts at a VBAC are unsuccessful, then another c-section will be fine.  Honestly, my only real concern with having multiple c-sections is that I'm afraid I will feel limited in how many kids we can have.  My recovery after the c-section with Aynsley was amazing - after the initial medication wore off, I took Ibuprofen before bed one night in the hospital and that was it.  I took home my prescription paper and wrote a to-do list on it!  I was never in pain, just uncomfortable, and I didn't want to take medicine just because of that.  So if I have to have another c-section, I have every expectation that it'll be okay.

So thank you for all of the prayers, congratulations, and well wishes that everyone has sent our way!  It's kind of funny how many people weren't too surprised by our news - many of our friends and family members know that we want a big family (and I'm not getting any younger!), so it was kind of expected that we wouldn't be waiting too long to keep adding to the family.  We can't wait to have another wonderful blessing in the family!

The Post I've Been Avoiding...

I've TOTALLY been avoiding this blog.  It's been quite awhile since I posted and a lot has happened since then.  I'll have days where I have time to write a post but I'll find something else to do instead.  Day after day after day after day...Maybe I thought that by writing about what's been going on over the last several months, I'd really have to deal with it and work through it.

Many of you probably know that Matt and I have been very involved in our church since we moved here.  We started attending shortly after we got married and, even though we didn't love everything about it (obviously!), we made some great friendships and kept attending, even becoming members before long.  I immediately joined the worship team and got involved with children's ministries (two things I'm a part of almost five years later!) and I even worked as the office manager there for more than a year, as well as became a wedding facilitator for the church (something that I still do and that I love).  Matt has been a part of many of the men's ministries activities and is even a member of the church board now, along with being the head usher for the service that we attend.

When we started at the church, the pastor had been there for several (um, almost 30) years.  He moved onto another position within the denomination and we found a new pastor after a few months.  A lot of staff changes went on over time, but an amazing team was put in place.  I loved absolutely every member of the staff and the way that ministry was moving - it truly seemed like what God makes clear in the Bible that His church should be doing.  I was so excited and happy to go to church on Sunday mornings.  If you know me well, you probably know that I've enjoyed church and related activities pretty well since I became confirmed in the Catholic church and then started high school shortly thereafter (I've been involved in children's ministries for about fifteen years?  Can I be that old?).

Fast forward to the last few months, which have involved Saturday nights of dreading Sunday mornings, breakdowns in the church bathroom, falling apart as I'm doing announcements in the service, etc.  It's been rough.

I won't go into all the drama that still angers me and hurts me and breaks my heart every single time I think about it, but the pastor left and, within a few months, so did the rest of the staff.  Including two of my best friends (if you know me well, they're the ones with the four boys, as I always say).

Doing all the same Sunday morning things without them felt...weird.  Wrong.  Off.  And maybe that sounds like I wasn't doing it for God, but I don't think that was it.  The situation was messed up (to say the very least) and people left when they shouldn't have had to leave.  I know that since the church is made of people, it isn't perfect, blah blah blah.  But when you know that people are supposed to be leaders of a church, they are supposed to have a relationship with Christ, and they are supposed to make decisions based on what God wants, you expect more than that.  And maybe that sounds judgmental, but the words spoken about others that I heard with my own ears and that attitudes and looks and so on...Those were not based on Jesus.  And I couldn't believe the things that I heard leaders in my church say, the attitudes that they had, the rudeness...It almost became too much.  I just didn't want to be at church, and I have never felt like that (well, maybe when I was little and the promise of a treat if I was good worked like a charm).

Anyway, it's...okay now.  Things aren't perfect, of course, and I know that they never will be, but I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to walk into that church again without my heart breaking a little bit.  To know what was and what could have been...It shouldn't have happened the way it did, and I'm so hurt for the people who were treated the way that they were.  They've all moved on to different ministries that seem pretty perfect for each of them, and I'm happy that they're happy.  But, oh, to have them back and to be able to do the work that God was calling us to do...

There are so many more emotions that I could go through but this will probably be all that I post about it because it's still, months later, so raw.  Maybe because I had friends on staff and a husband on the board that I felt it more personally and knew more than some of the other congregants, this was really a rough time for me.  It's definitely getting better, but it just makes me long for heaven, where things will be perfect and the silly things won't matter.

For those of you who have been praying for me on this journey, thank you.  I still need prayers if you're still willing to send them up.

Joy.

I needed a week to prepare for this post.

A week ago today, one of my best friends got married.  My heart has been so full since I arrived in town for her wedding; I had to take the time to properly thank God for the awesomeness that He has provided in sharing her with me.

Emilee and I met in college (I don't remember where or how; she might remember) and became fast friends.  We have a ton of private jokes and silly things we say to each other and we've been through a lot together.

Most of the girls in our group of friends found their future husbands at college and several got married right after we graduated.  Through all of the showers, parties, and weddings, Emilee was patient.  She dated some but didn't find that right guy during the time we were in college or the time soon after we graduated.  In the midst of it all, I don't remember her complaining or feeling left out.  She might have, but I don't recall it.

So standing up in her wedding, watching her come down the aisle with her parents...There was this look of pure joy on her face.  I've been to (and been in!) plenty of weddings, but this look of joy took the cake.  I could see so much in her face.

The wait was over.  They had found each other.

Through struggles and trials and frustration...

Through times of loneliness and uncertainty...

Through questions and concerns and hurts...

They were here, at this moment that God had prepared them for, to become one.

My eyes are filling with tears just remembering it.  I fell apart within seconds, naturally, and tried to wipe my eyes without being too obvious.  I'm not sure that I could be this happy for someone ever again.  What a reminder!

When things don't seem fair...Wait.

When things don't go my way...Wait.

When I'm not sure God's listening or has a plan...Wait.

Everything in His time, the perfect time.  How I needed that lesson on that day!

So congratulations to one of my best friends, Emilee Joy (did I not mention that's her middle name?  So fitting, right?).  I'm so glad you found your one; I'm so glad God provided.

I'm so honored and blessed to have stood with you on such a special day.  I love you.